racin' agst time

2010-09-27T06:29:00.000-07:00

i used to be much more in love with myself as compared to now...all the things i wanted all seemed to be mine in the past. but not anymore now. i couldn't have felt more desolate right now. i have no one to turn to because i am too ashamed to tell them about the things that im going through right now. also for the fact that they might've heard it a thousand times before. it seems that i am forced to go through this alone. it feels like i've been cornered and i have to put myself together somehow and stand up once again and color this negative life of mine.

no one knows all the shit i've been thru. i've been pushed and shouted at in public.. but i chose to beg and ask for forgiveness for god knows what i've done. i've been made to apologize when i feel that nothing i did was ever wrong. i was told that the things i got upset with were nothing major but minor and stupid causes. i begin to doubt my true self. i don't know if im still being me.. anymore. im 22 but yet i still cry at every shit that happens to me. and im told not to because it just makes others irk the sight of it.

dad said that my greatness weakness was to not be able to be alone on my own. how true he really is. i feel that each time i try to hold on, its like quick sand pulling me deeper. it seems like it is almost impossible for me to escape this time round.

2 fucking years i've given up my youth to. and this was not what i wanted. i gave up the thought of going overseas to study earlier thinking that it will be a more fruitful result.. but it just feels like day one. i don't know. everything i sacrificed. has come to nothing.

help me please. i really want to get out of this. i really can't hold on any longer. it feels like i might suffer a mental breakdown anytime. i'd do anything to get myself out of this. i really regret it.. i don't want to go on any longer... pleaseeee... i dont want to be trapped any further.

2010-07-21T13:12:00.000-07:00

some things are better left unsaid..even if it meant on the brink of death.
i choose not to confide in anyone but myself.

2010-04-30T14:46:00.000-07:00

it all started with just a small argument..till it became no minor issue when i thought of what ash told me.. "ya la ya la..you're just jealous cuz he doesn't do sweet things for u anymore..*blah blah blah*". as she got carried on with her conversation, my mind was far from where it was supposed to be - focusing. i was still harbouring on her unintentional comment which made me felt sore through the entire night at work.

yes, i was jealous. i came to terms with it only an hour ago when i decided not to head over. abruptly, i stopped my transport from heading over and alighted at my place instead.. i needed my own space to think about so many things. true, i am heading overseas VERY LIKELY, and it was time where i had to deliberate on stuffs which may hinder my progress in life. not that he was taking up my time..i remembered the days when i enjoyed his company so much that i wanted to be with him.

i don't remember the last time he initiated to do something that would make me fall head over heels again for him.. i only remember the many times when i sheded tears, not out of joy, but an overwhelming misery. i'd cry when i hear "Misery" by the Moffatts. i was miserable every now and then.. we'd always have small arguments and every heart to heart talk would be his aide to "rebel" against me. when i bore my sorrows to him, he'd always turn it around by making me promise not to get angry.

what i look for in my future soulmate? someone who'd love me unconditionally, accept me for who i really was, and never change the way he treats me. and that was what i told him at the start of the relationship. i don't know how i got persuaded by his promises back then, and here i am. 1 year and 4 months with a huge difference from day one. am i wasting my time now? should i just give us a break?

what i thought..never did turn out the way i imagined it to be. and it sucks. feels nothing but a bitter regret.

2010-03-30T06:12:00.001-07:00

just got back from celebrating my dad's birthday. got him a "Upapa" massager! :D:D:D he smiled to himself when i told him to read aloud the name of the massager. still, he mentioned that his biggest present would be me growing up. :) i hope that will happen on his 60th birthday. i want to make this life of his meaningful.. i want to make him proud of me. it now warms my heart (though it didn't back then) when i see him being appreciative of the things that i did. just by nodding his head towards the explanations behind my principles did the trick.

i want him to retire happily.. i want him to enjoy the rest of his life doing things that he has always wanted. he has worked way too hard for others and sometimes i think that he has never fulfilled any of his wishes.. he didn't even had the chance to be whimsical at times. tsk. how biased this world is against sexes. different responsibilities and burdens.

well, we had a heart to heart talk and we shedded tears together.. i hope he finally understood how i felt back then when he left me to be independent on my own. did it make me a stronger person? as long as i have to ask myself this question, i still have the capacity to become much better. :) i used to give up easily once i encounter obstacles..now, i didn't have the time to give up anymore. every minute, every second, is almost mateREALISTIC (i know how to spell materialistic, thank you) to me. its as essential as a LV handbag to each materialistic girl on the streets of orchard, yet its realistic (smack in the face).

i can't say that im sorry for not treasuring my dad in the past.. i only can move on because this word is silly if it comforts you enough. its just an ego booster. *spits. which explains why i feel that i have the responsibility to make him feel reassured about his future. and that also brings about the reason why i pray alot now. i need strength from somewhere because carbos don't seem to work at all.

2010-02-10T21:03:00.000-08:00

i just realised how inevitable it is for me to skip work at least once a week. RAWR. im just sooooo tired. my brain dies each time i step into the office, and somehow resurrects each time i step OUT. chinese new year doesn't feel like its supposed to be NEW when we've already passed one and a half months into 2010. guess i've always wondered about why it's called chinese NEW year when its in the middle of the NEW year. don't tell me about chinese calendars please, they make me confused with my actual date of birth. gah. everyone should just ADOPT one common calendar so i can receive ANG BAOS for each start of the year and we could've extend the new year holidays.

speaking of 2010, everyone around my age will realize that they're actually NO MORE 21. its all about getting real..realistic in that sense. sucks huh. we could play back then when we were in our school uniforms, recklessly and irresponsibly. we could whine with the excuse of being "young". we wouldn't get jailed/fined if we made mistakes as we were considered "juveniles". NOW?!!!!

we worry about ERP charges, available parking lots, considering the wages of jobs AFTER CPF..etc etc.

i fret alot. i look at adults and see them leading one hell of a monotonous life whereby they work 5 days or maybe 6 a week..leaving the weekends to take their kids out for KIDS ACTIVITIES, then probably after having a good meal, head back home and watch weekend movies on channel 5. having scv doesn't make a big difference so don't tell me how wonderful scv really is. you see what im getting at already?

i don't reckon that i'd have this kind of life in a couple more years. i want each and everyday to be memorable, i want it to be (quotes ris low) "ALL ABOUT ME!". i don't want to devote the next 3/4 of my life serving this economy which hardly benefits me, or taking care of kids which i only find cute when they reach 10 years of age. *shakes head*

i've set my good mind on heading over to UK. its time for me to try out living in a total westernized environment. sometimes i really get envious when i see how carefree they look @ one degree fifteen. they'll have the company of their soul mates, and they do not show any signs of worry when they leave their kids on their own to play and fool around (lucky bastards). honestly, what's the essence huh? does eating steak everyday help u fret less? if it does, i'll be looking @ steaks in a different way can (an investment).

right, so here i am still, stuck in Singapore - My Country, My Home, My HDB Flat, soughting means to get a one way ticket to britain to carve out my brand new career. don't tell me of being culturally-shocked, cuz im not the silly cat who always gets killed by curiousity. :) wish me luck!

2009-11-17T23:13:00.000-08:00

she couldn't speak for like 16 days till the day she passed away.
if only she knew tt her time was up..
i knew she was fucking afraid about what was in for her.
she was afraid of death..
she kept clinging on to our hands when we had to leave.
this was all when she was conscious.

little did she know tt she had a time bomb inside her head which can be triggered anytime..the consequences would be fatality.
i'd bet she didn't know we were there with her through all these.
she would've loved to have our company when she was much better - conscious in any aspect.
however our absences probably led to her giving up on the willpower to live.

6 fucking years she's been alone..grandad left her in 2003.
i seldom visited her though she was living just across the block.
i felt tt there were way too many things for me to do than to keep her company.

the only thing which consoles me now is tt @ least i was there for her when they had to pull the plug @ home.
i was there with her during the last few days of her life.
one thing i regret was not to tell her how much i really loved her and how apologetic i was for not visiting her.
it's just another repeat of the after-effects of losing a loved one.
just like losing grandad and great-grandma.

"stay strong for the weak" was a quote given to me by my auntie which i am now holding firm to.
i stopped shedding tears..
for the firm ideology that she is in a place far better than earth and tt she will be with grandad for company. :)
in a couple tens of years, i'd b able to see them again for myself and embrace them in my arms to seal these regrets tt i have now.

ah ma, don't worry, i will take care of daddy.
i want you to rest in peace and stop having any qualms about the family.

2009-09-12T15:37:00.000-07:00

on the outside, it seems like we're both happy.
we used to be. but we aren't.
then what are we fighting for?
for this r/ship we both thought would last?

love forever only exist in silly love movies, that make u shed tears and fast-forwarded.
in reality, love is love in the beginning, till un-exaggerated turmoils occur every now and then.
it makes people change. both parties or maybe just one of the party.
and either one of both parties will get this sick feeling.
sick of arguments, sick of apologizing, sick of every single thing.

which is when love cease to exist, but the entire duration causes them to hold on.
memories. vivid ones that replay over and over again and the back of their minds.

i've encountered various breakups.
silent ones, result of infidelity issues, immaturity issues..i thought i could handle the next relationship well, telling myself how "experienced" i was already.
like the saying goes, "one just keeps learning".
i don't think im the expert after all.

probably it was just because we got bored and tired of being lonely.
maybe we thought we could make it work out.
we kept telling each other that this was just a growing process of a long-lasting r/ship.
but we never stopped fighting.

maybe i didn't see the effort that he had put in.
maybe i was too blind and oblivious to my surroundings.
maybe i was way too self-centered.

before i make ammendments, it's so god-damned "smack-in-my-face" obvious that we were experiencing changes.
he didn't apologize readily anymore, probably cuz he had said that way too many times.
he doesn't want me to spend more time with him, probably cuz he thinks time spent = more time spent on arguments and fights.
he doesn't look at me the way he use to do so, probably he had seen more ugly sides of me.
he doesn't look over at me when he's at the com, probably he felt that there were much more things to be done within that few seconds.
he doesn't understand why i get so worked up, probably cuz he thinks im kicking a big fuss again.
he loses his temper more often, probably becuz he wants to prove he's no pushover.
he pushes me even if it means to be in playful manner, probably becuz he wants to prove to me that he can stand on his 2 feet.

i loved him.

i definitely do not love him this way.
he doesn't understand.

well, it always come back to me in the end.
blame it on his perspective on "self-control".
it seems like everything has to be in his definition..
the relationship is being conducted through his very own dictionary.

i guess it's time i let him go.
@ least i know for sure, he'd be better off.
we've both missed out on alot of wonderful things in life during this entire relationship.

2009-07-28T15:39:00.000-07:00

Dependence.

Brings you security.
Gives you hope.

You're messed up without.
You tend to take things for granted.

Dependence on my parents:
I don't have to worry 'bout my bills, my allowances, my "wants"...

What am I going to live on without 'em?

Dependence on my friends/buddies:
Call 'em out and they'd be at my "beckon & call".

What if they've gone overseas or fast asleep?

Dependence on a boyfriend:
Fretless sleep..no more worries on "pontianaks" haunting me.

I suffer from insomnia without.

2009-06-22T02:18:00.000-07:00

...i dreamt. again.
-lamborghini.
-my parents.
-0.7 billion.
-and the uncanny face.

i woke up.
and saw the suggestion.
that face again. zzzzz.

2009-06-13T16:41:00.000-07:00

im so fucking tired from work. tired physically, tired mentally.
im all worn out.
it's been 2 weeks since the last time i worked this hard.
all the ice carrying..the mental torture from our bar manager..
can really screw u up.

babe is doing his duty right now..
i think i am awake more/longer than him.
i've been up since like 4pm all the way till now. (7.43am)
im trying to find means to kill time to wait for him.

dragged sophia and pearlyn out for supper with me along with the rest..
it was around 7am whereby everyone couldn't take it.
they saw my bloodshot eyes and told me to take a break.

but i still persisted on killing time by taking the bus home instead of taking a cab.
the journey was horrendous.
it felt like the journey from earth to mars.
whilst listening to my mp3..i was shivering from the cold,not wanting to sleep for fear that i'll miss my stop.

how much i wanted to talk to him.
but it was only until i nearly reached my house did he call me back.
seriously.
what the fuck.

when i used to hang up on him, he'd immediately call me back asking me to cool myself down.

now his mentality would be like, "fine, hang up on me for all you want. you'll cool down eventually once i apologise later. it's still the same"

and sure enough, i received a message "baby im sorry".
c'mon, if you really were, would u have waited this long to send me such a fucked up message? i don't even feel forgiving like Guan Yin Ma?

im so FUCKING tired now.
all becuz i wanna kill time and wait for u.
thruout the entire night i've been facing shit.
i just want to talk to somebody.
i think even my colleagues show me more attention than the way u do now.

fine. go sleep. go talk. go fuck around.
i will turn a blind eye.

2009-05-28T09:24:00.000-07:00

on our 5th month anniversary..it was the least expected that it (the day) would also be a milestone in this entire r/ship and also my life. something which i've never dreamt became my worst nightmare and i had to be decisive and not hesitant. i recall the days when my elders continuously breathed down my neck with grandmother stories and relentless "principles of life". in some previous entry, i was debating the truth about such "principles", and at this crucial point of life, i feel that i have to submit myself into believing these truths, which can be very realistic and a "smack right across my cheeks".

i deliberated on telling my parents - my mom would never be mentally sound if i did so, my dad would probably hurl me across my bedroom. i guess i was kidding about the latter, but he'd definitely kill me and resurrect afterwards. he has got the power, i swear.

dad did went through this phase of having to come up with the sacrifical decision, and i feel the pains behind his actions. i imagine him telling others/me by referring myself as "someone".."some people just don't seem to grow up from their own actions, they just do not get it! such a grown up but her mentality never changes!!" obviously you and i both know he did not meant people as in a plural form but singular = me.

i never did blame him for overlooking my little mature actions. times which i preached about my own principles in life, either he would not be present or he would contradict and make them into understatements by mentioning my past behaviors. he never did had time for me as a kid, and our bonding times were usually accompanied by a tool (e.g. cane/feather duster/any applicable whacking tool) i was never the perfect kid in his eyes and i was always the troublemaker. i never did ONCE prove him that i was different from the others (e.g. misfits). whatever mistake i did, he would just look at me nochalantly and say "i knew it. you were gonna do this sooner or later." did he forgive me? i've gotta either ask God for the answer or dig out his heart to take a closer look. cuz no matter what, he'd never fail to mention the ugly things which i have committed as a toddler/kid/teenager in my 17 yrs under his domination.

i mentioned 17 becuz he was seldom present in my life afterwards.

nevertheless, he tried his best to seek the best opportunities at my whim, and tried to grant me almost everything under the sun for compensation for this "loss". he would make sure whatever i had was adequate and that i would get whatever he thought was "best". understand that his and my definitions of being the utmost are worlds' apart. i don't ask for more because he is not some kind of wealthy dad who owns ferraris/lambors, real estate properties worldwide, or blue chip shares of a few lots. sometimes i seek self-sufficiency, but c'mon, everyone knows i can never be self sufficient at times.

i smoked at a young age, became rebellious and outraged every kin of mine, fooled around thinking i had all the time in the world without considering the risks..i went to great extremes one could easily imagine thou. each time i made a mistake and got my dad disappointed, i make amends and made sure that the repeat of such incidents would only occur over my dead body. BUT HOW MANY NEW MISTAKES WILL I HAVE TO MAKE?

and just becuz i have to prevent myself from making amends and present myself as a dutiful/grown-up, i have to keep mum from telling my dearest dad about my happenings. i don't want him to fail him once again and make him lose hope in me. but it really kills me deep down by looking him in his wrinkled & tired eyes, and not telling the truth about my life. it is like living hell each time you have to lie to cover another lie. or even having to make a white lie in front of someone who understood you over these years. at times, i do know what i was in for (e.g. a lashing/beating), it didn't matter becuz at the end of these lashings, i do not have to cross my fingers before looking a person in the eyes and i would receive a heartwarming hug from someone i love and someone i really cared about..without any judgements.

how i wish daddy is right beside me now, holding me tight and telling me not to worry becuz i still have him..and that he would accompany me through this period of darkness. with him, i would receive nothing lesser than the best.

but i know i wouldn't be able to have all of these.

2009-05-21T12:40:00.000-07:00

it's 3.40am in the morning..with only 5 hours sleep the night before.
im so fucking tired. but i feel that there's more than 1 thing to worry about.
my stomach is making me go crazy..making me lose my sleep.
it feels like "stiches" whereby atheletics exercise too vigorously after a hearty meal.

i feel so tired.
what's worse is that my air con has spoilt and there is absolutely no way that im about to have a good rest.
the thought of having to work tomorrow night is really turning me off..

absolutely fucked up.

2009-04-25T00:55:00.000-07:00

i have 101 things that i want to put up here. but i know i can't anymore.
it's no longer "private" whereby i say things as i wish. it's all about having major considerations before i want to voice out my every words.

maybe i hate sharing my life.
maybe im not used to the feeling of being tied down.
maybe im sick of the meet-ups and all.

maybe not?

i guess after a clearing up of situations, he made a clear line between us. and felt that by doing so, it will spite me.
fine. by all means.
if you can choose not to give it a damn, i shall not either.
and im sure im much better at it too.

f-u-c-k o-f-f.

2009-04-23T10:34:00.000-07:00

i recall the name of the previous blog i had with kazu - it's all about mutuality, and it suddenly hit on me the actual meaning of it.

mutuality is whereby the actions of one affects another, i guess in my own definition.
it occurs in families, friends and even relationships. you can never miss this factor when it comes to relations?

mutuality itself comes along with varying factors..
:)

2009-04-09T02:08:00.000-07:00

dad used to tell me that he always wished that i'd grow up faster..in his definition, it was the maturing of mentality and the way i delivered my actions. however, yes, my mentality did change somehow or rather..it was the nature of these changes which remained the same. i still stuck to my straightforwardness, my stubborness which held strong to my principles, and my wilfulness which often hurt those who were around me.

being almost 21 now..i realize that there are many things in life which we tend to grow OUT of..and these are seen as actions of being a grown up. who gives a fuck about fishing at the neighbourhood canal..? or even fight over a silly little push-pop? many of us wouldn't..becuz we see these selfishness as trivial matters becuz of what we fight for.

who says we stop these selfishness-es? many of us are still fighting with one another..some using unorthodox means. just for that one bit of self satisfaction and to uphold one's self-defined "dignity". (xuan would definitely agree on me with this)

we grow up comparing "this" to another's "that". i used to think that comparisons made were endless and you can end up comparing vehicles to who's nose has the proper symmetry. -.-" subconsciously, we end up getting jealous of others who are of better respect and end up wanting to outperform the other. and where do all these respect come from?

"wah! your watch is damn chio.. where did you get it?!!?!"
"i've not seen this phone in my entire life! is it good? what functions does it have?"
or even..
"omg. that school was fucking hard to get in. you must be a genius to have gotten selected!"

nothing but a mere homosapien's praise.

people just get so full of themselves when they bathe under such compliments, that they forget who they actually are and where they stand.

you even find such scenarios in working areas such as offices..where you think there are much more matured people.
c'mon. these people never did grow up..did they.

2009-03-25T18:18:00.000-07:00

tired day after work..just got back from ash's dad's funeral..all i want from her is to stay strong during this time..and ash, if you're reading this.. i know i've not known you for very long. it just seems like we've got an affinity (you know im destined to be besties with bungs), and that im always here for you. just a phone call away okay? i'm sure your dad is proud that her once-spoilt/pampered daughter has grown up and has known the hardship of being independent.. everyone will grow up, and i'd bet he loves you too much to even remember all the mean things you've done to him..like the old saying.. "love encompasses everything". so don't you dare go harbour those ugly memories that fill you with remorse! :) life is wonderful, and things will turn out better for you this year. i'm sure.

it's been 3 mths since we've got together. :):)
Rong baby and i~~ :)
sometimes, it really doesn't seem that all long, but really it takes alot to sustain a relationship. these 3 mths did not come easy for us, and im sure the next few months will not too. however baby, i'm sure that all it takes is a simple compromise between each other when conflicts arise. everything takes two hands to clap, and thanks baby, for giving in to me most of the time. haha. you've really pampered me and showered all the love you have on me.

remember when you said that you do not want to put too much love into a relationship becuz you're afraid that you will be heartbroken at the end of the day?

i bet that you've given all your love to me! :D:D:D

just the way that i have.
(ya, i know im more wilful and spoilt most of the times, but i love the way you give in to me!!! makes me feel dominant and manly!!! hahaha!!! *muacks*)

finally our long-awaited "NS Period" has come, and we will have lesser time for each other.
i'm sure we will have a tendency to argue more.
but as much as you want me to be understanding, you've to put yourself in my shoes that i've gotten used to the fact tt you'd be here for me wherever i want you to be. i know it's wrong of me to think that way, but i guess i've gotta have time to get used to and be adjusted to the lifestyle of not having you beside me as frequently.

i'll try to go accompany you as much as possible..
i know you'll be more tired.. since you'd be awake most of the day for 5 times a week.
i can't always make honey lemon for you..so you've gotta drink more water on your own accord..eat proper food..save money by having enough rest so you won't keep taking cab rides over to your camp..

how i wish we could spend the rest of our days in batam..or somewhere secluded with all the money in the world.. so we do not have to go think about other responsibilities. :( AND WE CAN HAVE A SOCCER TEAM.
and baby, with the team, you can finally be coach!!!
Coach Xu? how bout that!!!!

i love you. and i'll try to be more accomodative towards you.
this upcoming week when i'm not in sg, you'd better not flirt with those gays in your camp, or those lao char bor that signed on okay!
STOP SURFING HOT GIRLS BLOG LAH!
makes my ego become smaller and motivates me to do plastic surgery. :(
my baby got sick of my face.. :(

never mind, i've got SICK of yours too.
and with that, i will STICK with it! :):)

happy 3 mths~~~~!!!

2009-03-23T13:59:00.000-07:00

baby..
when i reminisce about our pasts (e.g. how we've met), it really makes me wanna shed tears. not tears of regret, but tears that overwhelm me. seeing you sleep comfortably and peacefully makes me feel at ease too. (cuz you're sleeping right now)

i'm sorry for the times when i become wilful and my old self ruins everything. luckily and fortunately, you're forever that accomodating..apologizing when it's not your fault at all..smiling though you feel hurt..giving in when you know deep down that there's a huge ego in you.

before i head overseas, i just wanna cherish whatever time i have with you. i don't want anything to change what we have now.. i want you to stay the same. :) cuz i know for sure, nothing bout me will change. i love the way you whine to me with pursed lips..your brows slightly arched. FUCKING TURN ON CAN.

haha.

you've gotta remember to drop me a note each time you're free alright?
cuz in china, i might not be able to call u..and hear your voice..but i'd be checking my email every now and then.

remember to drink lotsa water..eat regularly and healthily..have enough rest..and most of all, spend more time with ur mom and dad..i know it's my fault tt you're spending more time with me than them..which makes me feel lousy at times. i know you're filial by nature, and i love that about you. sorry for making you feel torn in between.. :(

baby, thanks for all the love that you've showered over me..
i see it all, and i can feel every single bit of your feelings towards me.
:) it makes me exhilerated at the thought that i'm together with you.
muacks.

i love you.. MORE THAN YOU DO.

2009-02-24T06:26:00.001-08:00

it's getting more n more unstable with each passing day.
my accompanying emotions growing stronger and deeper.
i have to find a miraculous way.
to banish these ugly memories, leaving ones that are sweeter.

it's not that i choose not to stay..
just that i don't want to have to pay.

a day planned for fun filled joy and laughter
turned out to be nothing but tears and shudders.
to be spending the day home alone..
staring aimlessly with a face stoned.

don't know what the near future brings..
i recall the horrid times and cringe.
patience was never one of my strengths..
it always bring about a blank.

crossing your fingers, you swear.
you'd love me and be always there.
i wish i could turn back time..
and made sure you were never mine.

i'm sick of tired of having to linger..
im better off..single.

2009-02-24T04:09:00.000-08:00

the papers are giving me a hectic time.
and it's the slackest i've been @ my studies.
when it's the last year. i feel ashamed of myself.

today's paper was the worst performed one over 3 years @ ngee ann.
i left a 25 mark question blank.
and seeing that my peers were able to complete most of their questions..
really made me feel fucking unmotivated to study for my next paper.

it's somewhat a demoralizing feeling.
and it still stings when i look @ my upcoming examinable module's topics.
i feel like giving up and stop studying.
probably migrate to africa right now.
and watch lions all day.

also seclude myself from the urbanization and changes.
sweeeeeeeet.

i so wanna do many things after my papers.
gym, work, head back to china to visit my grandad and tell him how things have been doing so far back in singapore.

this overwhelming feeling rushes over me each time i think back.
how i was unable to accept him leaving this world..me.
when i visited china..his tomb..i would sit in front of his grave's stone.
and talk to him quietly.
it seemed the world ceased to exist during my silent moment with him.
despite the winter's cold wind that surrounded me, i felt warmth at the thought of him listening to me speak.
hell did i want to tell him what has happened to me during these past few years.
changes in the family..
but i will only speak of happy memories. because heaven is believed to be a place where hurt & pain were non-existent.

how badly do i want to hug him tight right now..
but the only place where i can do it is in my dreams.

i miss his cookings..his means of showing love n concern on the low.
he was a man of pride. and no doubt, im proud of him.
and how i wish i could tell him right now in his face, "i love you".

2009-02-17T12:07:00.000-08:00

just got home from amk mac's..studying for like a minimum of 7 hrs with ah kwong.
studying with friends are fun-filled times.
you see the serious faces of your friends (which can be pretty hilarious at times) and then u joke about people around u out of boredom.
damn. i miss those studying periods with my other groups of friends too.
:)

suria called today.
in a serious tone, she told me "did you know your house address got posted on your blog's chatbox?"
immediately, i phoned kelly to help her remove my chatbox, at the same time, i had this queazy feeling that it was tt over-reacting bitch's doing.

whether it's her or not, it does not really affect my life if the culprit thinks tt it will turn my life upside down.
what? come my house and pour me with acid?
-.-"
okay, it's scary to think tt the crazy woman would actually do such a thing.
she's one psycho man.
i mean c'mon lar, a pretty face like you turn into some deranged maniac?
can imagine when her long flowing hair turns into some medusa-looking freak with blood-shot eyes and long dirty nails.
HAHAHAHA.

you know, people change as you get to know them better.
probably they've come to a point whereby they feel much more secure being who they really are. in other words, they've reached this "comfort zone" thingy.

in relationships, i find tt there is this common trend.
people will start their arguments when they've get to know each other better, in a way, they more or less take advantage/for granted the other half's feeling.

which i think i do most of the time.
yeah, i pretty much take for granted a person's kindness for me (at first).
after a few rounds/exchange of harsh words, i start to think that the person's changed.
or has he?

we speak lesser now i guess.
he thinks on my part. e.g. i do not need him during this studying period as he would distract me. in actual fact, he doesn't. in fact, i love his presence when im at my books. cuz i need not think about what he is doing..in other words, miss him.

i think abt the times when he came over, and we'd embrace each other tightly.
and when im concentrating on something, he'd look over from a distance..and as though being mesmerized, gaze for a few minutes.

it's not like that anymore.
probably becuz i have too much to comment, too much to say.
i cried the other day, bcuz i was sure our recent arguments will take a toll on this r/ship.
however, he refused to believe so, and kept claiming that things did not change a single bit.

or maybe, we shdn't be meeting up so soon, cuz only thru this, i will stop getting use to his presence and won't kick up a big fuss when he dreads seeing me.

i know you'd read this sooner or later.
bcuz only by saying these words thru here, you will not put up a debate against this issue and argue by telling me nothing's changed.

our phone conversation early only proves that you start thinking on my part.
i wanted to talk to you badly, but u keep saying thngs like "i'm bothering you" etc. etc.
c'mon. can't i think on my own?
or is it that hard for you to tell me, "i dread seeing you this often"?

maybe i shdn't have tried in the first place you know?

2009-02-15T10:08:00.001-08:00

first he sees someone familiar who apparently is hot, and starts complimenting her.
even though when i'm trying to get his attention to a question that i had to ask.
he totally ignores my presence.

i sent him home. apparently my silence made the situation awkward enough to tell i was pissed off.
w/o any other words, he said "bye" and left.

i refused to head home, thinking tt i need someone to talk to.
and i called up emiser since he was living near me.

little did i know emiser's gf would find out about me meeting him.

i received a call from an anonymous number.
when i picked up, all i heard was some girl muttering bullshit like i slept with him earlier on..went to thailand and had sex with him..and stuffs like i'm loose and i sleep around.

i sarcastically told her off.
but deep down, i was shivering.
i didn't know how she found out about me meeting emiser.

one clarification, we ARE NOTHING but friends.

she can think whatever she likes.
i'd bet she has got schizophrenia.
and i've gotta be cautious when i head out.

i hate this kind of feeling.

and whilst im thru all these shit alone, he's out with tiffy.
cuz he has got nothing to do. (which he claims)

2009-02-01T10:40:00.000-08:00

stinks when you have something you have to say...yet you do not have any idea how to put those effin' words across to the intended person..and the person misunderstands you.

you get all effin frustrated. and pissed off.
cuz the person doesn't understand how you feels.
and you have no idea how to make him understand.

sometimes i wonder if it was a mistake.
his mistake.
i guess im too used to being independent.
gettin all emo..stuffs like that. all on my own.

i can't miss things openly like i used to in the past either.

i guess he's tired.
tired of me. it's only sooner or later.
guess it's God's plan for me to lead a solitary life.

if it doesn't make sense, don't bother trying to put any logic into such issues.
it didn't seem to make sense in the first place either.

i want some peace and quiet now..
and soothe myself with Mew's Comforting Sounds.

2009-01-12T08:32:00.000-08:00

geez.
how time flies.
one moment i'm praying tt i'll be of enough age to get my bike license, another moment, im reaching 21 yrs old.
fark.

i wanna remain 18 yrs old forevaaaaaaa.
ma de.

as i grow (age) with time, i finally see what adults saw when i was much younger.
the difficulties & responsibilities are being weighted down on their shoulders.
decisions made were nearly between life and death.
and the adults whom i grew up knowing, seemed to be ones i shouldn't meddle with as they were respectable just based on the fact tt they've gone thru much more than what i have.

as a 20+ yr old kid/teenager/auntie/whatsoever, i'd fuck that logic.
no more of such "worship" shit.
those were all made-up and halo-effected stuffs that only an individual with an IQ level of 40 and below would believe in.

who are these people, claiming that they love me and have nothing but concern for me, cursing behind my dad just becuz of one mistake he has done?
yes, my dad got into an affair.
and he is living with the other family, be it out of love or responsibility.

who are they to scorn and mock at him?
what business of theirs have they got to hurl insults at him?

for Christ's sake, he's my father, god dammit.
when he's only your brother/brother-in-law/church mate/uncle?
fuck you, if you condemn him just becuz of this extramarital affair, when he has done so much for you guys over the past 10, 20, 30, 40 years?!

the ones who have the rights to be doing such things, are my mom and myself.
we've forgiven, and no longer blame him.
if we can be that magnanimous, who the FUCK are YOU, this almost non-existent piece of crap, to be so particular of our family problems?

show some respect.
for some people who are somehow related to me...
when someone in your family committed a adulterous affair, i showed every single last bit of respect that remained in me to him.
now, becuz of what my dad did (which was similar to yours), you act hooliganly.
i'd say, with the utmost respect, ungentlemanly.

it's almost Chinese New Year.
and it's all about reunion.
after u guys have shunned my dad, it's making our family fall apart.
have u guys ever thought of being selfless and put those angry feelings inside you aside?
all i want to see is my family being happy.
JUST ONCE EVERY YEAR FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
if you think that what you're doing is only right (after what i've poured out), go ahead.
make sure that you have no regrets when the same thing occurs in your household.

digress abit.
24th i think. someone asked me to be his christmas gift.
and i thought it was some ultimate joke of the year.
cuz it has never occurred to me that he'd have the least bit of feelings for me.
god dammit, im loud and never glamorous @ work.
=x

on the 27th, hell yeah we got together.

i got a little apprehensive and decided to keep it under the wraps cuz there was no such thing as "secrecy" in zouk.
however, due to certain circumstances, it seemed like the whole world found out about us within a couple of weeks.
zzzzzz.

gossips, awkward stares..you tell me.

well, anyways..this is him.

and this is us.

2009-01-09T13:53:00.000-08:00

joycie wants to go for armin only!!!!
:(

i managed to catch a glimpse of him after work.
clothed in a white shirt, blonde hair..and tt uncanny smile of his.
recognizable after watching the mtv for "in and out of love".
sneaking out of zouk with his wife and some others.

wa lao.
honestly, if i knew that zouk would be overstaffed with manpower, i would've sneaked in la.
and i heard him spinning MADE OF LOVE by ferry corsten.
sex mannnnn.

tmd.
i wanna find out his tourdates and head down for his live.
:(

no matter what.

i hate velvet.
zouk shd expand its grounds over to velvet.
so i can get to enjoy gd djs spinning live.
hmmph.

trance is sex-ed up.

anyways. serena got herself a photo with armin.
when she is a self-proclaimed fan of his.
urgh.
but nvm.
seeing him in real life made it so much better than having nothing at all.

:)
am i right, xu rong an?? :D:D

2009-01-01T21:53:00.000-08:00

all i ask for is just THAT simple.
to be appreciated.
but everyone simply stereotypes my character..
linking me to things that im not...
thinking that they know me well.

they are nowhere close.
and it's FUCKED UP.

some, just simply makes use of my well-intended goodwill, time and time again.
and it makes me feel all groggy and sick just to think of it.

humans or homosapiens.
i can't believe im even related so closely to such.

2008-12-19T22:49:00.000-08:00

i know this will be
something i remember in my head

sharp words push me back
hanging on to anything i can.

why do you tell me, only things i want to hear?
why don't you tell me, this could just disappear.

-Tracking Treasure by GnD.

he's attached.
but it's like as you grow up, you know how to handle heartaches in a better way.

you just look forward to having a good night's rest.
and wake up the next day and handle God's plan for you.

your only console?
"If it's meant to be yours, it will eventually."
and it sucks if deep down, you know that it is just a mere comfort phrase.

guys. they are just like a 3 mealed-course.

appetizer: 1st phase where they start tempting you. luring you to go in deeper.

main course: 2nd phase when girls fall blindly into the relationship, being fed with more love as a reward for giving in to the guys.

dessert: 3rd and last phase where everything shrinks all of a sudden. with only sweet memories left to hold on to.

guys just know how to tease, don't they?

2008-12-04T08:23:00.001-08:00

any suggestions on killing boredom when you're at home?
besides blasting your favourite songs on ipod?
and faggin' every 1 hour?

tests are up these 2 weeks.
which explains my temporary discipline to stay home.
staring at my taxation notes.

tax here. tax there.
reliefs here. reliefs there.
not sian ar.

zzzzzzzzzz.

2008-11-28T07:46:00.000-08:00

i fucking hate it.
when people lie about their own habits.

if you fucking can speak mandarin better than your english, just go ahead.
it's not like i'd look down on you?

apparently things turn out ugly when certain individuals choose to speak in english, and type using a vast range of vocabulary, when their english is horrendous.

tell me u got an A2?!
duh.
cliche spelt as clinique.
*RAWR

like what the fuck can.
ya ya.
go try harder pls.

2008-11-14T13:20:00.000-08:00

he called in the midst of my work.
cuz he sent a girl home, and apparently, she stays ard my area.
sigh.
it sucks.
when i have fixed commitments & miss opportunities.

but it sucks even more.
when he keeps coming back when i am trying to put him at the back of my mind.

*pulls hair desperately*

2008-11-06T09:39:00.000-08:00

=)
he called me telling me he was @ zouk.
of course i went over to chat him up.
even if it meant, 5 min?

for once, he remembers something bout me.
the fact that i work @ zouk.

i could tell he was bored @ mambo.
but there wasn't anything i could do..?
i wish there was.

it was nice seeing him.
even when there was nothing left for us to talk about.

2008-10-16T15:20:00.000-07:00

saw dad after like 2 months?
he seems happy. im pleased.
but he's naggin away tellin me to stop work.
=/ sorry dad, i just want to learn how to be more independent.

visited granny for dinner.
her legs were SUPER skinny.
and she misses grandad alot.
she keeps saying that she is useless.
how i wish i could take all these sufferings and negative thoughts from her.

well. i just got back from DBL O.
before that, my left eye was twitching like mad.
and i started thinking whether it's a gd thing or a bad thing.
cuz im going to thailand w/o my parents' consent in a couple of hours?

i was pretty high @ the club.
until someone damn familiar came up to me and said "hi".
trucker's cap, baggy shirt, small eyes and the usual stunned face.

for a moment, i couldn't believe my eyes.
thought they were playing tricks on my mind.
minutes ago i was having a smoke break with mennis.
and i started thinking of calling him.
before i leave for thailand.

then he appeared just out of nowhere.
im serious, no where.

later on, i phoned him just to see a bit more of him.
fuckin' embarrassed to be wasted in front of him.
i remembered i promised myself to snog him the next time i saw him.

so we carried on catching up.
few words were exchanged, but it meant alot to me.
just that i concealed how i felt deep inside.

his eyes of concern, saying "you're really wasted.."

i wasn't.
i knew it was him.

i tried to look for him back @ the club on the dancefloor.
but it was so fuckin packed of mats and minahs that it was ultimately impossible.
he came over to my side whilst i went over to his side.
din hav a chance to dance with him.
:(

i would've snogged him @ the dancefloor i swear.

think of Dance Like There's No Tomorrow.
the part where she sings about asking the DJ to give her a good song so that she can hook up the guy she's eyeing.
in my case, it's the guy i've been eyeing for like 1 year plus?

then we headed for supper @ tong shui.
he asked if i hated him.
i said yes.
but i couldn't tell him why.
here's the reason: he made me feel toyed around and i will never succumb myself to such humiliation. i did not want to end up being the one loving him more than what he feels for me. i will always want to have the 50-50 balance between both parties as much as possible.

he asked me if i'll definitely head overseas for my degree.
i nodded, telling him that i may be gone for good.
deep inside, if he sincerely asked me to stay, i would.

he told me he's heading over to melbourne.
haha.
but i believe that he will be able to fly higher than me.
there's this part of me which constantly reminds me that im not good enough for him and that i do not deserve him.

i remember the time where we shared one intimate night, and that i shoved that incident aside the next day.
i claimed that i tripped and that i did not know what was going on.

i lied.

i did trip, but i knew what was going on.
@ that point of time, clement crushed my world.
and i was still recovering from that sudden loss.

when we were getting intimate, i visioned him as clement.
and it wouldn't be fair if i were to tell him the honest truth.
call me a b*tch.
a bigger b*tch would've told him this hurtful fact.

i rather he sees me as someone not in his league.
cuz only then, will i cherish every single second spent with him.

:)
and damn, i did not manage to snog him.

im leaving for thailand in 12 hrs time..
and i've been thinking these few days.
that if anything does happen to me..(cuz my parents are unaware of this trip)
it does sound corny, but i really love my dad and mum.

rebellion has always been my "forte".
but i've never ceased to be a less passionate person.
i do not have any regrets at this point of time now.
i love the life im leading. and i got to see those i love before i depart from my trip.
(except for my 3 buddies. u guys are everywhere on my com's wallpaper)

thanks to those who have imprinted a "foot's print" in my path of life.
i never could've done better w/o everyone. :)

2008-09-27T11:48:00.000-07:00

mmmmm..(2nd gear)
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....(3rd gear)
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....(4th gear)

haha.
i had the chance to head down for F1 PEOPLE!!!
and the other best part is that i was there with my buddies.
volunteering my help for st john's to sell ear plugs and ponchos.

think lewis hamilton, kimi raikkonen and alonso.
woohoo!!!

seeing them negotiate sharp turns with their mean machines roaring in the middle of Singapore's streets..
heads turning as each car passes..
cameras and the glaring lights from above..

it was one hell of an experience okay!

and this close-up is ALL FREE.
muaha.
talk about being lucky.
kudos to my love (xuanhong).

wini and tiff were buzzing away on the various qualifying positions for tomorrow's final race.
fans of Ferrari and MacLaren pacing down the racetrack.
with enthusiam gleaming in their eyes.
sheer excitement.

just for that one glimpse of their favourite team was worth the humid night and crowd-squeezing.

but hail Maclaren~~~

i'll only be a Ferrari if Michael was still reigning as F1 Champion.
that fella.. is totally beyond God-Like.
MUAHAHA.

get jealous people.

2008-09-17T14:13:00.000-07:00

"you done?"
*awkward silence*
"wha..? oh yeah, bye."

this was how our last conversation ended.
all of a sudden, he kinda "mutated" into some stranger who did not even know me.
like i was dialling some sort of wrong number.

he couldn't accept the fact tt some things occurred between his brother and i.
which was 5 years ago?
when i was still crazy over his brother.

i used to be attractive in his eyes.
in less than a day, i was the thorn in his pupil.
which he managed to extract out just by saying "i didn't mean to hurt you".

i thought i was able to start an exotic r/ship with my ex's brother.
and that i will not end up being the loser of the finale aka. breakup.

but i was.
becuz i subconciously allowed myself to be touched by his silence and the little things that he has done within that 2 weeks.

now, im a mere friend which he doesn't reply to.

im probably a slut in his friends' eyes.

when i told him i knew the verdict of his thoughts, he questioned "why are you so confident?"
when i avoided his gaze and trid to be the strong me, he asked "why do you keep looking away?"

becuz a guy like you chooses your ego over me. you think too much. marriage and facing your brother? probably you're far-sighted and im myopic.
becuz i can't look into your eyes becuz my image has already been tarnished. im no longer the one who can attract you with just one look.

im sorry to have told u the truth only now.
and sometimes i regret the whole thing.
if only i could turn back time, i wouldn't have done it if i were to have known u.

you'll find the perfect one who is able to attract you more than im able to.
i hope..

2008-09-11T14:33:00.000-07:00

she actually thinks that im the mastermind behind all her stupid blog comments.

let her delude herself into thinking that she has found the actual culprit.
i only owned up my part because i felt that it was unfair to my buddy to be accused innocently.
oh well, she does that all the time by accusing others.
what's new?

then she comes and tell others that she accused janson just to make the culprit own up.
ha ha.
how brilliant.

and she replied me a 2 message long sms.
and ended up "thanking" me.
sarcarsms does waste people's time.
but oh well, it does make me think on a postive note.

since i've owned up my part, andrienna kang, you should be living in self-glory right now.
however, maybe u and soh si pei need each other to yourselves.
and maybe a companion by the name of kelvin.

you 3 make a great team.
the TUMMIES.
how bout that.
or teleTUMMIES.

okay, im making myself look as ridiculous.

but @ the very least, i do not go around hurling accusations and manipulating (the better word for mind-fucking) others.
happy night-shifting.
:)

2008-09-06T15:49:00.000-07:00

no wonder jon told me "not every day is a sunday".

i stayed up to close zouk.
and was quite pissed off..
BUT!!!!
benny heng started sunday well by sending me home in his car.
coincidentally lar.
cuz he stay near me. recently shifted to thomson. :D
super happy can.
am i lucky or lucky.

tmr im meeting swinerick.
and e-miser.
yayyyyy~~~

2008-08-19T08:02:00.001-07:00

been ages since we last held a conversation.

or is it becuz time's slowing down..?

if only i could pour everything.
and lift this heavy weight off my chest..

2008-08-10T01:56:00.000-07:00

i give others a chance to redeem themselves.
just as much as i would like for people to give me a chance to do so.
however, when opportunities have run dry for yourself to.
stop being a hypocrite.

too strong a word?
nope.
it is the closest and yet describable word i can use for a person like you.

i'm embarrassed @ the fact that i share the same birthday as you.
cuz i used to be ecstatic, imagining we can celebrate our bdays together as close friends, or maybe somewhat siblings since we share the same affinity.

let me explain my point of being hypocritical.
remember when i was so crazed over clement?
and got myself into medical concerns over his issue?
you were the one whom i felt was my sole comfort @ that point of time.
u reassured me on the correct path to take.
u comforted me with the utmost condolences.
only for me to find out a few days later, that u were busy bitching about how childish i was in others' blogs.
want me to say whose?
SI PEI'S BLOG.

after about a year, u finally get to see me agn.
sure. i do not hold grudges. becuz i know im much more fortunate.
you can happily ask me, "how's life? do you have a boyfriend?"

are these the only things you can tell me after a year of making me feel betrayed?

NOTHING CAN HELP YOU REDEEM YOUR HYPOCRITICAL PERSONALITY.

don't expect me to smile earnestly at you.
telling you that i'm doing well.

thanks for helping me choose my friends.
being stronger than the past.
THANKS ALOT.
don't expect me to mean it thou.
becuz u had me falling to.
just like how my dad made me feel that the world had turned its back on me.

this post ain't about how sympathetic people ought to feel towards me.
it's about how people should learn to be wary of those who are or seem close to them.

just steer clear away from affairs between me and my loved ones.
stop dictating on matters which does not INVOLVE YOU.
stop offering stupid advises which you think are only the right solutions after living 32 years of your life.

people keep quiet not becuz they are in the wrong.
its becuz they are tired of listening to your own contradictions.
which you proclaim are rules and regulations.

learn how to open your eyes and look at both sides of the matter.

probably you don't understand how hard it is for someone to redeem him/herself.
especially in the eyes of their good friends.
becuz you have never understood the concept of friendship.
you only follow by your own principals and expect others to follow suit.

lastly, as the old saying goes, put yourself in others shoes.

GOD I AM SO PISSED.

2008-08-09T12:11:00.000-07:00

im 20 yr old. auntie, but happy.
dad brought me to jewel box for dinner on the 8th.
and spent a hefty sum on dinner plus my gifts.
haha.

mom's was a Agnes B wallet.
dad's was a gold necklace with diamond-embedded cross.

then @ night, kain, eugene n the rest bought me a cake to celebrate past 12 midnight.
:)
not alot rmb to msg me past midnight.
esp. him. :( till now, he hasn't sent me a single message.

gary n the other darlings got me my CK bra and undies.
super happy.

the next day started off with dinner with e buddies.
and they got me Red Wine and Choco with marshmellows.
also with my CK boxers.
ahah.

Giraffe was fantastic.
and i was satisfied with dinner and the buddies.
thanks darlings.

then we headed off to Alley Bar.
kelly gave me an agnes b bracelet (the one i wanted).
i was already v. pleased @ the sight of it.
until she sneaked a mini gucci perfume into my hands.
damn. it blew me off.

i had 2 cakes - wayne and eric plus xiao an's and sipei's and ahah's.
:)thanks to u guys, i made 5 wishes, and they were all the same.
hope it will really come true this time.

i saw wayne holding on to a zara paper bag.
and asked unshamingly,"is that for me?"
eric immediately told me no.
... heart sank.

but it rised back up when they passed it to me n told me it was a joke. :)
a dress.
damn.

lavish gifts for a 20 yr old joycie.

u guys really made my day.
and i hope that u guys enjoyed urselves too.
im really glad u came.
and next year it'd be a bigger bash.
=D
think equinox and swissotel.
and fireworks too.
mwacks.

p.s. i hate the fact that he doesn't care.
so im gonna act like i don't too.

2008-07-28T01:55:00.000-07:00

m i unlucky, unfortunate, or just have got no fate?
blardy hell.

PVD came to zouk to play frm 11-3.
and i nearly could've worked at the bar beside the dj console.
happily thinking that i was stationed at that bar for the night, i willingly prepared that bar.

then my manager came over and told me to go back to the Members' Bar.

my heart sank.

and during my break, i squeezed thru the dancefloor just to cath A GLIMPSE of him spinning live. and managed to record his live track.

then! i insisted to go for another break later that night ard 3.
he stopped spinning ard there so i thought i'd be happy with my 1 GLIMPSE and 1 LOUSY LIVE RECORD.

when i went back, my colleagues told me tt PVD came up to members' to order VODKA REDBULL.
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
I COULD'VE TAKEN A PHOTO PLUS GOTTEN AN AUTOGRAPH INSTEAD.
LIKE SO SUPER FUCKED UP CAN.

. my colleagues laughed and told me that it was not my day.
asked me to wait till next year.
like WHAT THE FUCK.

n whilst having that one unlucky break, the ice from the ice machine collapse onto my hand with a loud SLAM! and my hand's like bruised and swollen immediately.

but PVD was beyond godlike.
tiesto can never own him.
BAHHHH.

he's phenomenal and beyond godlike. thou many refuse to believe the latter.
whatever.

PVD, WILL U MARRY ME? =X

2008-07-21T09:34:00.000-07:00

i messaged u a couple of days ago.
and u got back to me.

was starting to feel all disappointed.
until u remembered to call.

or was it becuz it was out of sheer boredom, did u call?

it doesn't matter.

my hands were sweating cold beads of pespiration.
for once.
over a simple call.
which none of us spoke much.

i hate myself.
for not having the courage to come upfront.

i've never felt so inferior in my entire life.

2008-07-03T18:45:00.000-07:00

once in a blue moon, he'd log in.
and i'll b sitting there, thinking whether or not to make the first move.
of what? starting a convo.

it's tough when u know u've gotta play it hard to get.

amazingly, yesterday when i got home.
he messaged me online as i quered myself on whether to take the first step.

asking me how i was, i told him tt i missed him.
which was nothing but the plain truth.

it followed with the usual "miss me?" debate.
it was kinda frustrating when he refused to believe how fucking much i missed him.
be it his voice, his goatee and his childish grin.
and it ended up with him saying "of course even when i was in taipei".

my heart waivered for a while.
and the convo ended there.

why couldn't i just tell him straight tt i was fond of him?
for the past 1 yr?
was it becuz i wasn't ready for rejection? or commitment?
or is it becuz i've learnt to live without him?

i'm enjoying my work, my school and my friends.
there's nth to be unhappy about with my life.
becuz in silence, i find no rejection.

2008-06-26T08:21:00.001-07:00

if someone leaves you for something better.
is it only right that you feel happy for that person?

working at zouk has brought me much frustrations.
but at the same time, i get to make dope friends dere.
they might not appear like your average dope kind of person, but they're cool.
in a way that. it's different.

or have you tried persuading someone to not leave you?
out of your own selfishness.
and you can't help it?
but it never seems to work?

everyone's unhappy with the management.
and they think tt their salaries are meagre.
money does make the world go round doesn't it?
money gives you the courage and willingness to leave friends.

maybe if i wasn't fed with a bronze spoon, i would understand.
maybe i'll be just like 'em.

i tried every single means to keep 'em @ zouk.
i don't wna feel left out.
i don't wna sit alone and smoke alone.
scanning thru tt useless phone of mine.
searching for someone whom i can be myself in front of.
i just dun wanna start making friends all over again.
i merely started, and everything's gotta go.

i hate the feeling of being lonely.
i fear being on my own. regardless on how independent i may appear in front of others.

maybe i'll have to leave and put aside smth which i've been enjoying for a short period of 4 months.
out of loneliness. i dread most.

2008-06-05T01:28:00.000-07:00

i know what's good for me. and i watch my expenses.
don't judge me.
WHEN U DON'T FUCKING KNOW ME.

im not discriminating against fugly old pieces of shit.
just that they have a "smack"able mouth.
that spits nothing but insults and meaningless comments.

i went to 7-11 to get stuffs and ciggs.
then there was this AUNTIE with a nokia 8250.
BLOCKING THE COUNTER.

not like you're chopstickly-thin.

she had so many requests.
like wad phone card to get. and whether the cashier could assist her in topping up.
i was wondering, why an old lady like her needs a handphone.
then later, my silent question was answered.

the cashier offered to help me with my transaction before topping up tt fucking card.
my bill showed 13.95 on the cash register.

"WAH! CIGGERATE SO EXPENSIVE AH!!!!", exclaimed that FOPOS (fugly old piece of shit)
*stare

"I DUN UNDERSTAND WHY MY HUBBY WAN SMOKE. SO EXPENSIVE. *TSK TSK*"
*glare

"SMOKING VERY NICE MEH?! NICE TO SEE AR!?"
(apparently she meant, "is smoking that cool?")
*eyes nearly pop out
*holds myself back from pouncing onto her

1)if i don't have an issue with my habit, i don't see a reason why you have one.
2) if i can keep up this habit of mine thou it might be financially straining for you or tt hubby of yours, WHY DO U WANNA CARE SO MUCH.

i am SICK. of people giving me endless suggestions on where this fag money can be spent.
KARNINAR. SMOKING GIVES ME MULTIPLE ORGASMS.
CAN?

now i know why she needs a hp. talk too much. unnecessarily.
and why an 8250 with a phone card. NO MONEY TO AFFORD SOMETHING BETTER.

Disclaimer: if you do own an 8250 with a phone card. TOO BAD OKAY.

if these people don't give a shit, i don't see why i should.

2008-06-04T02:07:00.001-07:00

rarely, he messaged me the other day.
i contemplated reallyyyyy longgggg. and decided to give him a simple reply.

he wished me luck and i said thanks.
ended the sms convo.

kelly said i played TOOOOO hard to get.
did i? or was it him who plays the role of being HARD TO GET.
she suggested i call him. somewhat an out-of-the-blue call.

couldn't sleep that night. and kelly's suggestion was ringing in my head so bad that i jumped out of the bed, grabbed my dopod. and dialed w/o even thinking of the consequences.

we chatted. hell yeah we did.
BUT U CAN NEVER IMAGINE WHAT MY CONVO TOPICS CONSISTED OF.
lame. lame. "funny". lame. dumb.
i fumbled and mumbled. my heart racing madly.
i couldn't speak clear sentences.
i was just so NOT over him.

made a fool out of myself.
ultimate DORK of 2008.

DAMN.

and on his offer to have lunch with him the next afternoon.
NO. why?
i premeditated tt i'd look fugly.

next day came.
i couldn't accept the fact tt i turned myself into a laughing stock.
yet, i kept my eyes peeled @ the parking lots.
to see if he did come to sch.
no sign.

i pluckered up whatever courage i had left in me.
and dialled.
he told me he'd call when he reach.
SO MUCH FOR REJECTING HIS OFFER IN THE FIRST PLACE.
dorkier joyce.

but he never called me back.

was it becuz he had a change in plans?
or. he completely forgot to call me back.
OR. HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO SEE ME @ ALL.

*pouts.
am i that bad?!

well. compensated this loss with a ralph lauren shirt.
:D
talk about splurging.
i do it. best.
gonna chiong for a pair of fred perry's.
to match my polo.

2008-05-31T15:34:00.000-07:00

it sucks to be unwanted and not noticed.
it's not becuz im an attention grabber at all times.
i just wanna feel a sense of belonging. thats all?

work wise.
i got kicked ard like a ball. having no idea why my in-charge was always pissed off with me.
got hit by a bottle accidentally with no apologies on my head.
and got bad-mouthed by him.
i learn my mistakes as i make 'em.
but he never gave me a chance to prove myself.
he only showed multiple hints of me being in his way.

daddy doesn't care a single bit on whats going on with my life.
we talk less these days.
he's busy. always busy.
how his darling daughter has been treated.
he has no idea.

a 2nd degree friend called me to K tomorrow.
and she started the convo. with "did they ask u abt tmr?"
momentarily dumbfounded, i replied, "who? no one asked."
"oh, we're going to K tmr. u comin?"
"nah, im having my papers. thanks fer askin." with a slight hint of forced happiness.
i remember them forgetting me on a couple of occassions.
maybe i just do not fit in.
it sucks to feel left out. and to realise they weren't the ones who asked.

i feel miserable. and horrid.

maybe it's true i try too hard at making myself noticed.

what happens if i don't try at all?

:'(

2008-05-26T12:01:00.000-07:00

crappy life.

i think i try too hard at times.
way too hard.
i should quit doing so.
be a quitter.

<

2008-05-19T10:02:00.000-07:00

what would u resort to when u get all emo and sad?
or maybe do something in order to remind you every now and then about a particular incident?

piercings.
is what i usually resort to.

my neck piercing was to remind me of him.
:) why the neck?
there's a queer logic for it.
it's like the area which i pierce not only has to remind me of a certain person/incident, but has to be pierce-able too.

well. im contemplating of doing another body piercing.
was considering of the collar bone.
*shivers*
haven't thought of an incident to remind me of.

him again?

sheesh.

joyce is boy-crazy.

piercings never did hurt.
it's like a relive-in feeling.
like a whole lot has been taken of your chest.
just like inflating a balloon.
loosen up everything.

you'll get what i mean if you're on the exact same frequency as i am. :)

2008-05-16T22:00:00.000-07:00

it was just like Hinder's Lips of an Angel.

faithful yet unfaithful at the same time.

it's just hard to move on. and hard to stay faithful.
cuz the other part of my heart makes me want to stay faithful to you instead of him.

remember i was talking to you on the phone early in the morning?

kinda reminded me of the song itself.
i was secretly calling you from my kitchen.
whereas he was in the room snoring away.

it's not that i'm cheap neither am i scandalous.
i tried to move on.
but i couldn't. (he asked me to try it out)

been only a couple of days.
everything that he does is nothing but full of flaws.

however each flaw you make, seems to be the sweetest perfection in my eyes.

i did miss u. i have always been thinking of you.

or is it just becuz unreachable things tend to be the best in everyone's eyes?

whatever. i just want you bad.

2008-05-15T02:14:00.000-07:00

for the first time in my life.
im feeling miserable whilst in a relationship.
i doubt i even like him a single bit.

don't ask why and how it happened.

i told myself to wait fer him.
i betrayed myself. sold myself out.
feel anal-ed.

i want to break up.
i just can't bear to.

i hate the thought of having others to see me as someone attached.

i just can't have fun.

sucky feeling.
and each time i think of the fact im attached, my tummy has this churning feeling.

im sorry. but i feel fucked up.
i just know i love him more than anything.
more than me loving myself.

2008-04-06T04:04:00.000-07:00

04/04/08

JOYCIE GETS HER LICENSE WITH A JUST-PASS 18 POINTS!!!!!!!

*ROARRRRRRR*

2008-04-01T09:11:00.000-07:00

i've been contemplating on the contents of the next post. and after a couple of days, there is this major problem/pressure which i'm facing.. I'VE GOT TO GET IT OFF MY FUCKING CHEST SOMEHOW OR RATHER.

TP's in a matter of days. it's early wednesday now. and TP's on friday.
got like 2 whole days before the day of truth.
fucking emo can.
im so fucking pressurized with the thought of passing 1st time.
it's not like it's impossible.
but shit happens ALL THE TIME. okay, most of the time.
and always these frequently-occuring shit happens to me.

i've spent my parents money for the numerous lessons i've taken.
nearly 2k.
if i don't pass, HOW THE HECK AM I TO FACE MY ANCESTORS?!

then i've to take the fucking bus for consecutively 2 whole months till my next TP.
when i get all stressed up, my circuit will definitely fail me can.
i'll start mounting kerbs in the crank courses, bang poles whilst doing my parallel... strike kerbs @ left turns.
how pleasant.

God, please please calm my nerves down.
let me pass.
=(
im so fucking scared i even dream about my TP.

i remember the night before i took my 2nd attempt @ BTT.
i was with him. @ yishun dam.
he helped to calm my nerves down.
and indeed i passed.

now, he's like vanished into thin air.
he'd be my main motivation.
and nerve-soother.

and fuck my laptop's down.

2008-03-11T10:59:00.000-07:00

greatgran passed.. 100308.
"3 years 9 months", dad muttered, breaking the cold silence admist.
"born 1911.. gone 2008" reads my nick on msn.
greatgran arrived into this world just after world war 1 and survived thru the turmoils of world war 2. lived thru 97 yrs, moments of both life and death.

she never failed to remember our names.
always cheery and bubbly. just like any 7 yr old kid. just with an exceptional memory.
all she wanted was us to visit her more often. chat on the phone as she knew that we were busy with our own lives.
every single day she laid on her bed. thru 24 hours every day. for so many months and years. she pulled thru every fall she had, and every op that was neccessary.
she could've let go if she was sick of the life she was leading.
i guessed she always pulled thru becuz she wanted to catch a glimpse of us.

we rush down each time misfortune falls on her.
when she recuperates, it just seemed like we had her lost in our minds.

the last time i saw her was on chinese new year.
and i hate myself for not calling her.
not even bothered with visiting her.
always thought that we couldn't communicate.

"jia hui.. have you eaten? are you schooling now or having your holidays?", shrilled my greatgran's over the phone in Hokkien.
i would simply reply her with a "yes" or "no", depending on my mood.
though she wasn't really wealthy, she'd always give simple things to each and everyone of us. she made me a bracelet out of plastic beads, which she always thought were pretty. she gave me this pearl necklace which i broke and threw away.
she'd adorn herself with a simple hairband though she did not have long locks like anyone of us.

my greatgran was just as vain as any girl out there.
and she'll remain as the most beautiful, thoughtful, and gracious woman in this world.

for the time being, i have to live with the thought of having one of the elders once in my life being far far away with God.
and i believe that she's free from all the sufferings she struggled to pull through.
i only regret not giving the one hug and kiss to her (like i always do) before she bade goodbye to this world.

and thanks to those who showed their care and concerns for me during this period of sudden loss. i appreciate it alot, and i'm grateful to you guys.
i wouldn't smile this much without your company.

2008-03-06T12:20:00.000-08:00

i know how it feels when your friend pairs up with your other friend. and they leave you out. i fucking know how that feels. it's like an overwhelming rush of jealousy. and you'll start having this mentality of, "if not for me, u guys will know each other?"

i hate to say this. but i'm fucking over it.

i always end up standing one side. picture this. the limelight (coming out of nowhere) shines on the two groups of friends u once had. and you? nowhere to be found. somewhere in the midst of the darkness.

yeah yeah. joyce thinks too much.
but sometimes humans' insensitivity hurts others subconciously.
it ain't fair?

it's the hols. i ought to be enjoying myself.
nah. it's just simple games. basic chores i seek out of boredom. one or two supper meet-ups. and gym?
i feel kinda like a wastrel.
like i've got nth to do. and watching helplessly as others advance in life.

i hate pub jobs.
it ain't degrading. but, it's like i can do something better besides wasting my time @ the pub doing nth.

Digress: i flunked my mock driving test.
just freaked out.
banged a pole for the first time in my life. 4 points gone like that.
tmd. pek cek.

ain't got much close friends now.
i'm not feeling the life i'm leading now.
somehow, different frm me in the past. where i get phonecalls and messages almost every single hour.
now? everyone's got their own lives.

one reason why i want to further my studies abroad is mainly because i want to fade away from the life i'm leading now. go somewhere unfamiliar where nobody knows wht u've done in the past.. they will take me for what they see at the point where i step into a foreign country.

i'm sick of people mentioning all the mistakes i've done in the past. constantly reminding me though i've clear forgotten everything. it just hits me with the thought that i haven't been doing much for myself and those around me. nothing good.

but i'll always remember those constantly advising me on what my priorities ought to be. that is one reminder i'll need for life. tt's why i love xuan and wini. =)

i may be someone who'd give u comfort and consoles. once or twice. but when it hits me that you don't deserve my concern, nice stuffs that come outta my mouth ain't nothing but hypocritical nothings.

i'm one god-damned hypocrite. i believe so.
i can be nice n friendly in front of u, and snap at u without ur realisation.
i'd just call this survival skills. =)

damn. i feel like a total bitch right now.
whatever.

2008-02-26T11:02:00.000-08:00

guys are selfish creatures.
i don't understand this nature of theirs.
but it seems to be occurring in each and every guy.
probably girls are equally selfish, but guys are DEFINITELY SELFISH.

Scenario: Boyfriend gets Girlfriend PREGNANT.

2 common Solutions..

Solution 1) Boyfriend doesn't want to start a family. Pays for abortion if he's rich enough. Does not give a damn bout the payment for the abortion if he's a damn miser.

Solution 2) Girlfriend wants an abortion. But Boyfriend starts his selfish nature of "that is my flesh and blood" and "consult me before you want to do anything to the foetus". Girlfriend is still young, has a bright future ahead. But Boyfriend is a balding guy who is much much much older than Girlfriend. Boyfriend just wants to settle down. Girlfriend no choice, marry ugly Boyfriend for the rest of her life.

.:. Guys = Selfish.

2008-02-24T09:54:00.000-08:00

i feel so anal-ed. dammit.
I FUCKING HATE IT WHEN A PERSON IS UNABLE TO SOLVE THINGS ON THEIR OWN. OR AT LEAST TRY TO.
and i REALLY REALLY REALLY GOD-DAMN FUCKING HATE IT WHEN SOMEONE YELLS AT ME IN PUBLIC. KNN PCB FUCKIN TURBAN.

only my parents have the FUCKING right to yell at me.
FRIENDS DO NOT FUCKING YELL AT THEIR OWN FRIENDS.
if you're not happy, just come to my face and tell me off. AT LEAST LOWER DOWN YOUR FUCKING PITCH AND TONE. CCB.

i have never.. EVER.. in my fucking life, got YELLED BY A FRIEND.
and it's not the first time.

i'd choose to walk away. CUZ I DO NOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE DOGS.
EVEN I DO NOT YELL @ MY OWN DOG.

i chose to walk away, becuz im pissed off by the fact that u stood there giving me the "i-dunno-and-i-lazy-to-help" attitude okay.
YOU ONLY SOUGHT HELP WHEN I GOT SO FUCKING PISSED OFF.
AND I WALKED OFF NOT ONLY BECUZ I WAS PISSED OFF. BECUZ I FUCKING HAD TO GO FIND A SOLUTION ON MY FUCKING OWN.

DON'T YELL AT ME AS THOUGH I THREW U THERE BECUZ U DID NOTHING WRONG HOR.
KNNB.

ALL MY BUDDIES HAVE NEVER IN THEIR OWN LIVES YELLED AT ME IN SUCH A MANNER HOR.
I REALLY FUCKING DAMN DU LAN.

stop your take-for-granted attitude.
im fucking over your cb attitude.
nb. I REALLY CANNOT STAND IT.
CCB. KENA SHOUTED BY SOMEONE.
i don't care if i sound lian-ish in this post.
cuz i fucking lost my dignity for god-knows what reason.

if u're just a hi-bye friend, i'll fucking slap u. whether or not i am on a physically losing end.

FOREVER EXPECTING PEOPLE TO SPOON FEED U.
NEW YEAR'S EVE - you wanted to go home cuz u weren't feeling well.
WHO WERE THE FUCKING ONES WHO CALLED A CAB OR TRIED TO FLAG A CAB DOWN DESPITE THE MASSIVELY-HIRED CABS CRUISING THE ROADS?
WINI, ERIC, WAYNE AND ME.
IT'S NOT US WHO HAD TO GO HOME OKAY.
KNN. PCB.
YET WE KEPT QUIET AND CONTINUED OUR ATTEMPTS IN GETTING A CAB. NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT COSTED US.
YOU MERELY LEANED AGAINST ONE LAMP POST, AND YET SULKED THRUOUT.
I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH THIS POST HURTS YOU.

I HAVE ALREADY LOST IT.
TOTALLY.
FUCK OFF. KNNB CCB PCB.
STOP ACTING LIKE YOU'RE A PRINCESS.
CUZ U GOD DAMN KNOW U ARE NOT.
YOU DO NOT DESERVE A PRINCESS-TREATMENT.
FUCK YOU.

2008-02-19T03:14:00.000-08:00

muggin' once agn. i guess my blog entries aint nth but of emo and stress shit.
it's THE exams once again. and im trying all over to get my grades of the right balance. it sucks when u realise it's the papers so soon. yet u ain't got enough time to get all the studying done.

as fer me, i prioritised my subjects wrongly.
.:. nt enuff time to make sure i'm familiar with the modules itself.

i dreamt of him whilst taking a nap earlier..
i keep dreaming of him.
in time to come, i'll probably forget these dreams.
but in dream earlier, he had himself a girlfriend.
she'd better be pretty if that comes true.

JOYCE. stop yourself from thinking of him.
u've got too much to focus on right now.
*slaps myself*

once the exams are over by this week, i've gotta chiong driving.
TP's in early april. damn.
if the instructor does fail me.. i cannot imagine the dire consequences he might face. urgh. SPEND SO MUCH FUCKIN' GODLY MONEY ON DRIVING LESSONS.

checked by balance of accts at CDC. came up to a horrendous amount of $2k.
and that's before expenses incurred from the lessons.
E.g taking plenty of cab trips down cuz i've got a huge reputation for being late.

am really considering seriously on heading over to u.k to get my degree done.
i wanna head overseas. get the exposure. the freedom. and the hunks.
can't wait to get myself an U.KBC darling.
=D~

but everything starts from getting my DIPLOMA EXAMS FOR YEAR TWO DONE.
*cries.

2008-01-22T15:10:00.000-08:00

it's frustrating when u see how kids can be so rich.
can u imagine. a 1988 kid has 3 cars - mr/s, integra & an evo 9.
damn. but they're really fortunate.
ultimate dopeness.
i don't really blame my parents, bcuz im happy the way i am.
stayin in a 4-roomed hdb flat.
nth to care abt.. it's all focused on my studies.

i met him tdy. effin' elated.
urgh. but i made him dead drunk. fwah.
sometimes, i can't deny my feelings. but u're just out to play.
i don't want to make things difficult, so i just push such stuffs aside.
it ain't my main priority.

i learnt from the many times i fell.
if u're reading this, it's just an honest post.
I DO FUCKING like you. it's merely like. not a crazy infatuation. okay, maybe a bit. (kelly, stop smirking if u're readin this)
but there is more to life than just hooking up with 1 guy all the time.

e.g. my studies, my parents, my friends whom i drifted from, my goals.
i ain't got no life.
i treasure the fact tt i'm young.
and there's tons of stuffs i wanna do.
like visiting a guy brothel. (i'm kidding agn)

i wanna further my studies abroad.
i wanna ride my bike. i wanna drive my car.
i wanna get my forex trader's license.
i wanna build up my resume.
i wanna i wanna i wanna TOUCH EVERY SINGLE STUFF I COME ACROSS.

so what if i like u?
either i'll get over it in time, or a miracle so unlikely, will happen.
geddit.

and mr J. Tham. i'm sorry i misled u previously.
based on the written/typed above, u know what i'm getting it.
i'll probably get my desserts for what i've done.
and tt ain't gonna stop me from getting what i want.

love ain't all about being attached.
i HATE settling down.
because i am 19+ ONLY.
r/ships are a bore.
tell u the truth. even if my crush returns the feelings i have for him, i will still avoid getting into a r/ship.

SELF IMPROVEMENT gotta be my fucking main priority.
thanks to my advisor and the many Joyce-supporters.

if revenge is all u wanna think about. u're wasting your time.
cuz @ the end of the day, u'll realise tt there's is more to life.
just like how i'm thinkin right now.
the words u said earlier scares the shit outta me.
2 words. GET REAL.
make it 3. GET FUCKING REAL.

2008-01-21T09:50:00.000-08:00

u asked me out for a drink @ ur friend's.

and u totally forgot where i studied @.

are u just heartless?
do i mean that little to u?
or is it simply u're simply forgetful.

i don't wanna know.
the thought of it scares me.

2008-01-15T10:47:00.000-08:00

Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind, images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes, clever trick

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me in the shade
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never ever forget these images, no

I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot try the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy to walk
Right in and out of my life?

2008-01-15T10:34:00.000-08:00

u say i hung up on u, and tt i was pissed off. i apologised. becuz i was in a rush for sch and was stressed up with my tests.

on the other hand, u get pissed off with the work colleagues, then u tell me it was a joke. fuck, i feel like an effin fool.

there were times when i threw tantrums, but i still apologised.
but there were also times where u threw ur tantrums, but i obliged and kept mum about everything. just held my anger to myself.

i remember when u wanted to head home ASAP. i tried to call a cab though it was a busy time. u, leaning onto a lamp post, just sulked. whereas our friends had to figure out what was bothering u. all of us were frantic bcuz u were pissed off with the fact that u couldn't get home on time.

every girl deserves the right to be treated like a princess.. but it's only at times. don't slap me and then tell me it was for fun. i can oblige u as a good friend, but not as a boyfriend.

sometimes, i wonder, shd this friendship end? if it leads to so much fucking miserable shit, then it shd end like how a relationship does.

i'm stressed up with school work. purely just school work.

but u're happy @ hm watching shows, yet claiming you're stressed. maybe there's more than meets the eye. but apparently in my eyes, there's nothing.

did i tell u that i appreciate your support through my hard times? if i haven't told u so, then i'm letting u know that ur support was appreciated. but was mine appreciated? there's no signs of such gratefulness.

like a sister, i'd sacrifice for your happiness. but will you? it's becoming more and more a one way friendship. like how they felt in the past. it's time for me to start receiving.

i've paid my price. have u?

2008-01-14T05:33:00.000-08:00

scored a couple of 'A's for my projects. very very very..satisfying. =D the bonuses goes to my groupmates. nothing beats a tactful team, this i cannot deny. suddenly, everything starts falling into place. i'm more or less focused in my studies, catching up on projects, tutorials, and presentations. less working hours too, cuz i told thomson rd aka. my boss tt i'm gonna give 100% for my studies.

i prefer life this way. i find it much more meaningful than in the past. where sch was all about borderline passes. uber fucked up. i try motivating others as well as motivating myself. but i can't help others if they do not want to help themselves.

what my buddies did, made me realise that friends ain't all about helping each other 24/7. friends, are just there to support u in whatever u do. givin' endless encouragement. but they ain't there to clear the shit u've messed or put yourself in all the time. if friends were responsible for such stuffs, then God wouldn't be existant. all humans shd start praying to those friends around them. (if u get what i mean lar)

i've grown out of childishness and self-wallowness. but it seems that u've given up on yourself. u told me u've matured, but the things u do always bring u a step further away from the word "maturity". u may think that i'm hot tempered and fucked up, but those are times where i "cannot be bothered". if u're satisfied with what you have, then i gotta say we've got VARYING satisfaction points.

it's been 1-2 yrs. until the day i see u improving on your mentality and actions, will i start to have hope in u.

emo words.

budd and xuan got their bikes. dammit. really effin emo u knowwwwwww!!!!!
urgh. i wanna get an integra and zheng zheng zheng. fwah.
cuz i'm cheap.

2008-01-04T23:48:00.000-08:00

stopped work temporarily to invest my time on studies instead..

gonna persuade mom to get me an i-touch. =D
i just wanna enjoy every free time that i have to myself for the time being.

i miss you. too.

2007-12-24T13:27:00.000-08:00

it's christmas.. 5.30am in the mornin..
just got back frm a long day @ wrk. met up with teh buddies.
=)

things have changed. althou we've drifted, but things somehow are better.
i like.

wrk sucked. nearly fought with thomas's ex-wife.
sheer madness.
why in the world would i want to seduce my boss?
who looks like a prime ape?
=x

whatever. the next time i swear to God, i will bash her.
make sure she wakes up from feigning depression.
in hokkien, she's one "siao charbor". fucked up.

I gave you my heart..
and the very next day, you gave it away.

i want him bad. like really badly.
msged him. the only one i msged to wish merry christmas.
but i got no reply.
when will it be my turn..
i don't mind being just a ride.
sometimes. it doesn't really matter whether you're just a ride.
all that matters is that you're happy.

merry xmas to you.

and i want you to know i effin miss you.

2007-12-07T08:22:00.000-08:00

got my dream phone plus dad bought a phone for me. 2 phones. PDA sumore. i just can't stop braggin about my latest gadgets. =)

qwerty keyboards are a bother. i realised.

common tests are up. shiok.
fuckin steam la.

do you believe that God's fair?

sometimes he give u something that you've always wanted, then he takes some things away from u. take the dragon boat incident for example.

uncle victor has 3 sons i think. probably God thinks tt 3 is too many for him, so he just took one home.

i wonder. i seriously am pondering.
i just got 2 phones.
what will i lose in time to come?

2007-11-23T12:50:00.000-08:00

there's no point in takin chances anymore.
the situation doesn't call for it.
u live in your own luxurious world, whilst i wallow in mine.
ur's is one full of glamour. mine is all about being lonely.
how can one who is welcomed by all, be together with one whom everyone shuns?

i called. just to beg for help.
u hung up.

i shd've seen this coming.
it's not a matter of whether i deserve it or not.
i chose this path.
so i accept what i see in the end.

=)
life is like full of ups and downs.

2007-11-16T02:17:00.000-08:00

my laptop is a total mute.
and im one eye blinded. fuck. screw life.
nth new to the infection of my eyelids, and i have no fucking idea what made my laptop shut up.

fedup u knowwwwwwwwwww!!!!

sch's a bore. projects and projects.
nearly got sacked at work. lucky they still need people.
tj pagar offers 15 per hr. woots.
gonna get my new phone soooooon.

nv get any phone which relies on touch sensors.

shd i get i-phone? 470 SGD. cheeeeeep.

completed practical module 1 for drivin.
slow paced but pretty constant.

it hit me one day. that i was gettin more n more irritated some people tryin to compete with me over every single little shit that existed in this world. from conversations to suitors. lame lor. can grow up anot.

agitates me everytime when u agree with me when u know u don't. i will respect you for your own perspectives. don't appreciate stuffs like, "I FUCKING AGREE WITH U TOO!!!"
why ah?
i get what, you also want.
i do what, you also do.
i say what, u agree also.

u chg ur mentality just because others criticise it. why can't u support your own thinking and decision?
if i think that michael jackson's nosejobs are brilliant, i'll stick to that. i won't chg my views just becuz someone comes up to me and says.., "michael jackson is one fucking phaedophile."
NO!

be yourself.
i'll appreciate you better.
stop trying to vie for attention. it doesn't work that way.
to me, originality is all about everything.
and originality, comes from deep within you.

2007-10-26T15:29:00.000-07:00

there are times where u just wanna walk alone.. chill.. do some self-reflects.

i used to be one who had no lack of company.

now, i seek peace in walkin alone.. with a mp3 in hand..
then i'll sit down n think back. think forward. just pure chillin.

clubbed with him. like after 2 mths, i got 2 see him.
effin emo. he found someone new. probably he's moved on.
i rather have my heart be at a stagnant point.

i chose 2 play hard to get. just like Hinder's Better Than Me. he deserves better?
people say, "you deserve better. wake up your idea."
damn they've got simply no idea, not a single effin clue.

then it goes back to the dancefloor part, where P. Diddy's Last Night was played.
many times i wanted to msg/call him, merely hear frm him.
but it was this fuckin pride in me.

how he bent over, looked me in the eyes.
literally, i melted.

anyways, passed my FUCKING FINAL THEORY. FIRST ATTEMPT.
shiok.

2007-10-08T07:59:00.000-07:00

everything doesn't seem to be going v. well..
din talk to dad for a week, and finally went out with him and mum for dinner earlier..
it din end well. we argued, and all becuz mum started it.
i hate her. i just can't bring myself to accept the fact that she's like that. why does she do things on purpose? Eg. mentioning of my flaws in front of dad. (it's a must to mention such things in front of him)

i got so fuckin pissed off, tt i left, went into the lift, and slammed my fist twice agst the lift. fuck.
i don't geddit. i sobbed, not bcuz of the physical pain, but all tt im gg thru. it sucks to think that your dad doesn't belong to you anymore. having dinner with us was mentally antagonizing for him. and me.

i asked, "why are u so eating so little?"
he replied, "cuz i have dinner cooked in the other house.."
i snapped, "fine, then don't force yourself to have dinner with me then."

where's the dad who used to holler @ me every single night he got home? and the one who snored like a gorilla under the pillows every single night? this house has turned cold and quiet.

doesn't feel like a home at all.

my mom said she had problems. who doesn't? it's how u manage it.

no one knows how tiring it is to hold 2 jobs at one time. working your ass off 24/7. im not blaming anyone about what im gg thru. but it's all about aiming for what you really want. i want to start saving up. get things on my own. no more living off my dad. independence.

people just see me as someone who loves to fool around, doing childish stuffs.. just a happy-go-lucky kid. no one sees beneath that. my parents don't, at the very least. cuz they do not know tt im holding another job at a pub. they only think that i just pub or club all day long.

i don't remember having my usual 10 hours of sleep for consecutively 2 days. besides working, i go for my driving lessons. i don't remember spending 2 weekends shopping and doing nothing. working at the pub has become my other half. customers there, fortunately, are nice people. some call me "brother".. =/

sigh.

how much longer can i stand on my two feet?

friends have become secondary. becuz i have lost the ones who used to be closest to me..

one more week till sch reopens.. i just want to have the life of my dreams. tt's my resolution.

2007-09-23T23:28:00.000-07:00

i cant believe im surviving.. but barely..
here i am blogging in the middle of my attachment..just got damn bored. dang.
everyday im working, i don't even remember spending a couple of days just sitting around doing nothing with a bunch of friends.. with a handful of time wondering where to kill.

either it's getting tipsy/drunk at boat quay, else it'd be mugging hard in front of the computer early in the morning @ winsland, praying hard that lunch time will come ASAP.

got my timetable too.. becuz im lagging by a few subjects, i won't be able to see my classmates agn.. =(

must gambate for my results. made some improvements though.

jiali's will be crashing my place for a couple of weeks. her house's under renovation. whatever. at least i've got company. but somehow, it feels like we're cohabiting in an immoral way.

2007-09-09T12:22:00.000-07:00

u're still in my heart, no matter what..
whatever i do, whatever i say.. u'll still occupy part of my heart..
cuz.. i can't occupy that space which belongs to u with some other things..
irreplaceable.

i've been wrking.. in a pub. each night i get drunk.. wasted..
all i can think of is u.
sitting beside me.. that silly smile of urs..
i want you.
i want to tell u how much i miss u..
but i can't. i know it's impossible.
i just pray my persistence and patience will be worth it all..

@ this very point of time, i know.
i know how much i've fallen in love with u.

i miss u.
god damn much.
for you, i'd do anything..

2007-09-03T07:21:00.000-07:00

sigh. im gonna start wrking 24/7.. nearly.
it's like i wouldn't have any time to have proper rest.
once i finish blogging, im gonna sleep. b4 11. =/
healthy lifestyle. haha.

i'm kinda living the life of a vampire.
wake up @ 6.45, head down to orchard for work..
then finish work @ 6.15..
sometimes i have theory trial tests, if not, i'll head home to get extra rest.
maybe watch tv or smth.

just got myself a job again at boat quay.
pay is like 85 a day. fucking attractive.

i just want to spend more time with him..
it just feels like a one-sided issue.
i know there is no room for me in his heart.
but im trying, really hard.

sometimes i don't wish to play hard to get.
i just wanna tell him how much he means to me.
that nothing really does matter to me.

but maybe many things about me matters to him.

i dreamt tt he popped the question again.
and that before i could give him my final answer, i told him i was working @ bq.
his reaction was "WHAT THE FUCK"

would u, as a guy, want your gf to work in such a place?
maybe u wouldn't mind if she was merely just a friend.

i've been ranting on and on these few days @ work.. "emo emo emo"
=/ i've also set myself a target. to complete @ least 20 financials within a day. =D
thanks to my superiors who gave me the opportunity to do financials instead of calling.

i've made a couple of great colleagues+school mates durin my attachment.
they're damn fun to hang out with.
especially when we're all dressed up formally and heading down for lunch.
or even chilling out after work.

i'm leading the life of a working bitch.
=D shiok.

sometimes, it's all about proving people wrong. and it's all about changing for the better.

to my once close friend, thank you for smacking me right in the face, cuz it made me aim for the better.

2007-08-29T09:21:00.000-07:00

attachment's here.
work drive work drive.

im the new boss.
serious. im not lying.

i wasn't lying. right? but din know where my subordinates went to. =(

DP Information Network. =x

and one thing.
i hate office wear. uncomfortable.

emo.

2007-08-22T23:01:00.000-07:00

sheesh. studying is always a chore. =/ been stuck @ home for like 2 whole weeks already. besides stepping out of house to study with a cup in hand, the last time i remember i went out was to attend justin's bday.

joyce has no life.

i discussed my recent happenings with my dad.. and he told me something, no matter what you do, always be True to Yourself.

i told daddy bout my intention to work in a car garage, and how people felt it was stupid and immature.. especially when it's "not in line" with my studies or my future job prospects.

the thing about being young, is that u have an advantage to make errors in whatever you do. learn from your experiences, and have a go at almost anything.

my 19th birthday proved me and made me realised that, i was no more the 13 yr old kid who was almost in trouble every single day. i have only 2 more years before i reach 21.

dad also told me, "when you share your thinking and thoughts with others, you must be prepared that these group of people will question it, give negative remarks and might even use it against you."

i found out that people judged you not according to the achievements or improvements you've made, but the number of errors u make in life. this is reality. face it.

no point in trying to argue my case because as much as you can't change my final decision and my mindset, i am unable to do so to yours.

thanks for trying to make me grow up.
and thanks for showing me the other side of u.

im neither angry nor pissed.
because kelly was right.
"what's the whole point of getting all worked up? it doesn't make u feel better in any case"

ONE MORE PAPER TO GO!!!!!!
then i'll shop till i drop. hah. =D

p.s if u were wishing me well in whatever i do, thanks. i appreciate that.

2007-08-18T09:22:00.000-07:00

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
- Mother Teresa

Friends.

there was this surging need for me to clarify myself for what i've done, and share my sentiments.

My weakness in a friendship is that im someone who's pampered and i used to think that the world revolved around me. being far from independent, i never learnt the consequences of falling hard and never learnt how to pick myself up. then it suddenly hit me that if such actions of mine were to continue, i'll start by not only losing my friends, but myself. so i change.

"I tried to say I'm sorry. But everyone was gone. The clouds betray the story, and everything, everything is wrong."

maybe i got too fucked up and i won't blame the world for that. what goes around comes around. so i got hit back twice as hard for the actions meted out by myself.

Friends love and show concern, get mad at one another, but at the very end of the day, you look back on the obstacles that you guys have gone thru, and will start thinking, "we've come a long way." smile to yourself and think, maybe some mistakes are trivial matters, and there's no point making a big fuss over it.

that's why i share how i feel. i let my friends know how i feel. and most importantly, how they feel.

over several years of the growing and subsiding rebellion in me.. i've always saw friends as my greatest comfort, console and support. unknowingly, they've become my first few priorities. anything that happened to them, i would rush down to make sure things are okay. as much as they've done for me, i guess i've done the same way.

i swore that i would protect them from all sorts of harm.. i still remember how they seeked help from me each time they got into the gangsterism type of trouble. or when they shed tears from relationship turmoils. i was there.

maybe in this new realistic world, loyalty towards friends do not matter. im still living in the past where "jiang yi qi" is about everything.

i was willing to face my mistakes and admit my wrongdoings. but what did i get? shunning from your once beloved friends. you said you needed time, and i gave my utmost best to change because i treasure friendships the most. i was only proven wrong.

maybe it's time to be the selfish ol' me to work out on myself instead of helping those around me.

2007-08-18T09:14:00.000-07:00

2 papers down. 3 more to go.

out of these 3, 1 of them i give up. the other 2 im struggling. didn't manage my time properly. focused too much on the first 2 papers. it always happen that way and i don't seem to learn from my mistakes. =(

daddy passed down loads of knowledge this afternoon. we were discussing on the various investments. eg. property and dual-currency. haha. =x then there was this existing market which was new to me - subprime market. fucking interesting can. *shivers with excitement*

sheesh. there was this guy whom i got to know thru friendster whilst tracking down tt bastard's sister's number. and we had a mutual friend (Justin the ang kong siao) whose bday was ytd.

ah, he remembered my bday and gave me a ralph lauren perfume.

hot.

gotta cover 4 chapters of finance management within the next couple of hours.

sheesh.

2007-08-15T10:28:00.000-07:00

mugging my arse off.

accounts.. business management..

fucking sian.

why some items must credit here, but debit there?!

managers should cease to exist.

irritating.

2007-08-13T21:27:00.000-07:00

12 midnight on the 9th, justin met me.
haha. forced a cake out of his pockets. =D
and i got what i wanted.

my bday itself. just a few shots which i got frm justin.

2007-08-09T12:05:00.000-07:00

he came down aft all. like for a few secs. =(

i found out tt he was angry with me these few days..
haiz. guys' minds are just as complicated as compared to girls'.

he's like rich, and talented..
lots of people say don't put my all into him. like expectations and all?
honestly, i feel pretty much inferior standing beside him.
girls out there are so much better than me.
=(
emo shit agn..

let me "luo shuo" la.

i really like him. i can't help it.
im just trying to make it look "unserious".. playing hard to get?
rather nonsense, but it helps to determine whether he is serious bout me.

my horoscope for the month is FUCKING ZHUN.
on the 4th, based on my horoscope, he confessed his feelings for me.
then the horoscope asks me not to play hard to get.
na bei.
im a superstitious sort.

my bday was so-so lah. @ least i din get as wasted as last yr.
thanks to kell.. =) she helped me with 1 flaming lambor.
i got a PURPLE FUCK. and it really did anal me.
zzzz.

pictures to be up. haha.
boring to see me post wordy posts eh?

bear with it. or else u can try screwing me.
just kidding.
damn high now. =D

2007-08-08T15:38:00.000-07:00

LMAO.

justin and i headed to orc, and with much persuasion, i got myself a SLICE OF OREO CHEESECAKE. =D

sebby came down to meet us, cuz he was feeling the way he felt usually. EMO.
and he kept ranting on me being a "fucking retard" thruout the night.

kelly came aft work

we got fucking bored.

*everyone wished me happy bday. im pleased*

then sebby and justin got cranky, and started yelling in the middle of orchard road.
cranky old men.
did crazy stuffs.
eg. yell @ some random passerby.
childish?

kelly and i both found it entertaining. =D

thanks guys.
i love u all.
justin still owes me my guess vouchers, sebby owes me my t-shirt, and kelly owes me my thomas sabo charm bracelet.

i won't forgive u guys YET.

2007-08-08T05:22:00.000-07:00

before i turn 19.. (just within less than 4 hours)
here's a list of things i have set to do..

1)get at least a B for my ITP (industrial training programme)
2)get graded for my Muay thai
3)focus on driving
4)continue perservering for my bike dreams
5)find a normal hobby
6)love my daddy more
7)be less rude to mum
8)shed some fats. (i say that every single year)

pray i find a good guy.
cuz i thought i found him aft tt shocking incident..
but i guess my only chance was blown by myself..
and tt he won't be turning up for my bday tmr..
EMO LAH. na bei.

hard to erase him off my mind. urgh.
he's prolly got better choices out there.
just like Hinder's Better Than Me.
sigh, im the emo-est bitch ever.

speaking of my bday, im not THAT enthusiastic.
sick of it.
and people i don't want to see are on the top of the invite list.
it's only polite tt i invited them.
life is all about putting on a show.

bert says he'll get me a cake later.
justin says he'll acc. me till 12 midnight.
sebby says he'll rape me @ midnight.
jizhong says he got me guy's perfume.
and tt lester says he'll give me his promised cheesecake once it gets fermented under his pits.

like, what the fuck. -.-

guys are irritating just the way they are.

but i like them for being irritatingly honest.
:D

it's better than having a bunch of loathesome scheming girlfriends.

happy bday to me in like 3 and 1/2 hours time.

2007-08-03T03:10:00.000-07:00

some people do not learn from their mistakes..

others learn from the logic of "once bitten twice shy"..

me?

i hate to not trust someone.. becuz i've never led such an independent life. it's all about ME - MY decisions, MY choices, MY point of view. im far from being a judgemental person. i just simply put my own interests above other things.

a lesson i got?

never to be serious. (except for my studies)
don't you guys agree?
thanks to all that has happened, i've become a selfish person.

to my closest friends of years?
thanks. u guys "were" there. and that's all in the past.
not now, anymore.
u guys simply disappear once something happens.
it's okay, it makes me stronger than before.

2007-07-26T09:59:00.000-07:00

The Truth.

what truth? the Me "behind the scenes"

1) I did not do my piercings becuz i simply just liked 'em. somehow, i just wanted others to see the real me within. I'm not the typical "shu-nu" who'd cry over every fucking small shit. (E.g my hamster got gang raped) There was a more rebellious side of me deep within, and i just wanted the real me to be seen from the outside. That's your "so-called" first impression. However, i've removed one lip piercing alr. and most of my ear piercings. it ain't tt bad is it?

2) I do not have as many friends as you think i do. I'm not the sociable type if you knew me long enough. =/ I guess I have more guy friends than girls. probably because girlfriends are more scheming. they have alot on their mind (e.g jealousy) sigh.. guys are more fun somehow. =D

3) I did not actually quit drugs. but i've not reached the addict point. =/ i don't wish to explain my case here. don't even ask me if u see me. i won't bother answering. u can choose to say that im doing all these becuz im resorting to self-
pity. it doesn't matter.

whilst im still abit sober, i've managed to plucker all the remaining courage which i still have to type all these. =) feel so much better saying it all out..

2007-07-19T07:51:00.000-07:00

big girls don't cry, do they??

my life is pretty much monotonous right now. school & it's endless projects.. presentations etc. .. then the sem's long awaited exams in less than a month. (i've not started on studying yet. procrast..) waiting for BTT and in the meanwhile, im attending my trial practices over and over agn.. no confidence la. he once told me that i ought to have confidence in myself, but not over the limit. =/ duh, whatever.

back to the life im leading.. im going to have my 2 mths internship soon.. directly after my exams. and guess what, it's at some finance company called DP Information Network Pte. Ltd, near somerset. -.-" sounds damn I.T hor? but they deal with credit risks, manage them, and provide financial advices to FIs. =) hope that i can excel in this sector. haha. @ least can prove to the sch that im better @ practical stuffs. that's not the best part.. yet.

IM GOING TO BE IN THE SAME COMPANY AS CAROL!!!! =D

im exhilerated. =D cannot imagine working life with one of my close mates. =/ @ least i won't have to worry bout having lunch time alone.. and we can go shop @ town after work. DAMN O.L lah!!!

we're gonna get some work clothes aft the exams. =D shop shop shop.

i don't binge on food, or drink myself drunk when i get stressed up. i prefer to shop. haha. im a RECKLESS shopper.

i met my didi! erm, step, i mean. =)

he's FUCKING cute.

trust me.

when he cries? he SOBS. he doesn't whine and produce high-pitched baby noises. ahhhhhh~~~~

i ought to be happy. =/

2007-07-11T07:27:00.000-07:00

auntie selina's son's wedding @ hilton. shiok. =D
i bought a dress from forever 21 specially for that day.
song! =D

the other photos looked horrid. so i do not bother putting them up.

anyway. im enjoying my single life now. nothing could be better. =) but im still trying to put everything on the back of my mind. it should belong there.

2007-07-01T09:15:00.000-07:00

they say what goes around comes around..

i've got no fucking idea what i've made go around.. it just hit me all of a sudden

i searched high and low for that CLARE's number, supposedly clement's sister. went i managed to call her friend for her contact, her friend was like, "i thought she's overseas?" being the curious me, i asked "where did she go?"

"to the states loh"

"er.. what do u mean" *my voice quivering in nervousness"

"she just got married mah.. go with her husband lor"

"and her husband name is..? cle.."

*continuing my sentence* "ment. her husband's clement mah"

my heart SKIPPED TWO FUCKING BEATS. i cried? hell no, okay, not immediately.

u guys will be like.. "what?! being with a married man for 3 months and you don't even know a single shit?"
sorry, i have to say, i did not have a clue he was married. we did have a misunderstanding once, however, the accusation of him being married to clare was being pushed away cuz he nearly accompanied me 24/7. how can a married man do that every single day? it seemed that his world revolved around work and me. nothing else. u guys can call me the fucking vixen, i don't give a shit. i sincerely feel for his wife. not even married for a year and he's doing such things outside.

then it hit me.

he did not even leave for pasir gudang. instead of going up north, he went across the globe to the states. probably he wanted to avoid me cuz he didn't want to see me upset. yah, im deluding myself in my own thoughts la. but don't you think it's simply so?

albert told me to *qiao* clement's money since he was financially stable. i gave that issue much thought, and came to a conclusion. clement never failed to be there when i needed him. he has always cheered me up when i felt down. i didn't even stand to lose a single fucking thing being with him.

the memories we once shared, will always be in my heart, my mind and my soul. so far, he has given me happiness that none has given. he's treated me well. no doubt to that.. i shouldn't feel hurt at all. i merely lost something.

2 years and he will be back.

maybe by then, he'll have little Clements.. =( holding his wife and kid hands, he will approach me.. smiling.. "TAN JIA HUI! *which he always call me* This is Clare, my wife.. and this is clement junior, my son"

sigh.. will i still be the Joyce/Tan Jia Hui he once knew? the pig who's a glutton by midnight..?

I miss him. but he can no longer be mine. i've got to give him up. 2 years.. im sure i can do it. or.. maybe he's gone for good..

I still thank God for letting our paths cross.. i never regretted being with him. that is my conclusion.

It Ends Tonight. =)

2007-06-30T03:17:00.000-07:00

im in a state of delimia..

on tuesday, clement went into msia around in the afternoon with his friends, having the intention of staying there overnight.. they had a race @ pasir gudang the next morning, according to what he told me.. and said that he will be back by night.. he added that he will get back to me once he's reached singapore..

however. there's no news of him till now lor. i went ard his hse area (just beside my hse nia) and saw no sign of his car lah. call his handphone.. OFF. *cries* everyone asked me to contact his family and friends, but the thing is that i do not have their contacts can anot.. =( because he's nvr brought me home before.. i think none of his girlfriends has been to his hse b4 also la. then normally he hangs out with my friends.. seldom goes out with his friends when he's with me lor..

im fucking worried and im going nuts can.

i dreamt last night that he was actually out enjoying himself.. but.. i don't think he's that irresponsible lor.

i know im useless as a girlfriend.. everyone says "the only thing u can do right now is to WAIT".. BUT HOW CAN I?!?!!?! wait and do nothing?! that's incredulous lor. im really doing all i can to contact his sister, who apparently has friends linked to me thru friendster..

2007-06-26T22:53:00.000-07:00

probably im not ending the blog with the previous entry because i've received comments on why i haven't update my blog. okay la, maybe u guys think that my blog is some form of entertainment, tt's why as a friend.. i've decided not to end my blog so soon. haha.

my blog is like sibeh emo wan lah. so if u're not into the emo shit, don't bother reading..

it's like after so many incidents which have occured in recent, there's nothing happy for me to talk about. =/

well, joycie (which is me) is so-called in a blissful relationship. =D Clement, the guy whom i've mentioned in the previous post..we've patched things up. talked things over. maybe he has changed my mentality of self-less love. =/ love, is all about giving and taking. for those people who are on the verge of breaking up with ur current boy/girlfriend because u want him/her to be happy, DONT. don't make such "self-less" thinking. in return, the opposite will feel that u're being selfish and that u are looking at things only from your own perspective.

i learnt my lesson after so many incidents. =)

sense of security.. is it that important when it comes to maintaining a relationship? cuz.. he's 26, which means 7 yrs older than me. however, older people have different mentality to those of my age. hugs and kisses to friends are nothing to them, even if it means of an opposite sex. i can say that im pretty much conservative in such aspects. hence, i find it pretty much offensive if my boyfriend kisses his merely GIRLfriend right in front of me. not that it has occured lah, but it's back to the security issue. -.-"

a picture of him.. and us..

i think he nv smile better la hor. =x

ah me me me ! lmao. scary but i love the eyes. heh. *bhb* nvm. as long as it's to my liking can le.

P/s PARIS HILTON IS OUT OF JAIL LE!!! YAY~~

2007-06-05T03:06:00.000-07:00

confessions from my broken heart.. (the last entry)

Suicide - it's a selfish act for one, not to only escape reality, but also to convince oneself of believing what's happening is really true. a taste of both physical and mental pain. it is also the breaking point for a person to wake up from her senses.

It's precisely because I've experienced it for once in my life, where I have so much to say. I used to laugh at others, mocking at how foolish they can be to slash their wrists. I call them attention-seekers, beseeching the sympathies of others. When it happened to me, questions flooded me whilst in a delirious state - was I doing all these hurtful things because I want to see the empathetic sides of others? Or was it simply because I really could not take it anymore, saw nothing to what my future brings?

My heart races each time I think of how we broke up.. or should I say, on how I initiated the break up? My closest friends berate me on how stupid and spoilt I was to choose to break up with Clement.. I guess he must be as equally shocked as they were that fateful night.. There's no point of me trying to turn back time, because he will not believe me anymore..

I remember once, I asked him, "Darling, if I chose to let you go for your own good, will you let me go?" He gave it a thought for a few seconds, and said, "No, I will not let you leave." This time, it turned out to be the other way round.. He did not hold me back.. Instead, he nodded his head with sheer sacarsm, turned around and walked down the dim corridor.

When the side effects of the pills overtook me, I recalled him yelling at me to wake up, to look into his eyes. I fought hard, because he believed I was strong enough to overcome 30-40 panadols. He never did give up on me.. Whether what he did was like what pei said, "out of pity" or not, I feel fortunate enough to have my last wish of him granted.

Clement, don't doubt my words on having to spend the rest of my life with you.. because with you, I feel at ease. Someone who's able to cheer me up when I'm down, never giving up on me.. It was wrong of me to let go of you. Like what you told me in the past, Everything is up for you to decide.. The decision of a break-up was only one sided. Whether you want to let me go.. the decision is yours, not mine.

2007-05-02T10:14:00.000-07:00

been ages since i logged on. after so much that has happened. it's over between kazu and i. so far, i've not did anything near suicidal, thank God. =) time to get over with life anyway.

probably like what andrienna said, i'm still young and there is plenty of time ahead.

don't know.

this post is really random.

Lies will never be singular. One lie has to be covered with tons of other lies. Then again, why bother to expose someone's lies when you know the truth? Getting hurt isn't an option. Honesty isn't all good. Sometimes, i'll rather live in a world of lies, deluding myself. I think i will be happier this way.

Don't bother exposing yourself. Continue lying to me. I will be better off than knowing the bare truth. i'm dead serious.

2007-03-05T21:36:00.000-08:00

it's over. im glad it's all over and im not suffering from any of the various effects of a typical ditch. sigh. the way i was being treated in the past.. has ruined all my dignity and my self-esteem.

then u will wonder. how bad could things be?

i was being treated like a dog. when she was happy, she'd treat me really nicely. when something irritated her, she'd act as though i was the reason behind it. maybe i've met my nemesis. i feel totally helpless when she pushes the blame towards me.

i was always the one being apologetic and the one who plays the part of gushing "sorry" all the time. i asked my buddies about the different circumstances on which how they would've acted if they were me. ALL TOLD ME TT SHE WAS ONE SELFISH BITCH.

im elated to be single once again. and the best thing is that, im still straight la. =P to think that i din shed a single tear since the broke-up.. I THINK IM FIT LAH. ROFL..

the next best thing is that..i can have FLINGS~~~~~ =x bahahaa.

2007-01-24T02:58:00.000-08:00

bahhhhhhh.. im down with fever, a bad throat, flu and cough ONCE AGAIN. like recovery was 2 weeks ago nia lar! =( despite my sicknessES, i rushed down to school to do my re-test. so ping ming lor. definitely UNLIKE my usual self. =/

i've been thinking it through really hard, these few days, about certain issues. and then with a final decision, i've decided to blog 2 of these issues down. =)

being what i really am and doing what i really want.

being a broker, or someone in the banking sector, isn't the ideal thing which i wanna strive to be. it's just a "high-end job" and the reaps of these positions is just so much better as compared to other sectors in the working sector la.

seriously, i dream to be a journalist and a critic. =/ someone who volunteers to be the one, voicing out how people feel bout aspects of life.. i love penning my thoughts down.. sigh.. but is it too far-fetched? aiming to be a journalist at this point of time? *shakes head*

another issue is.. plastic surgery. =x i've been watch Girls Out Loud for the past few episodes, and i saw how ONLY PLASTIC can change a person's life. look at Extreme Makeover. the P word changes a person's life dramatically. how it boosts a person's self-esteem and morale. wa lau, it's amazing lar.

im considering of doing a nosejob plus plus a double eyelid surgery. =x ahhhhh!!!! very tempting lah. =x then the undesirable effects of an unsuccessful surgery can ruin ur life FOREVER. look @ xu chun mei and michael jackson! =.=" a major turn-off please.

somone please enlighten me on both issues. =x

2007-01-16T08:45:00.000-08:00

WE PATCHED BACK LE~~~~ =pPp

credits to my buddy janson, my slutty kelly and aaron..!!!! =D i love u guys.. thanks for understanding what i was going thru during that period of time.. i guessed i spouted nonsense, and indeed, i was selfish. =/ but u guys touched my heart not thru ur tears.. it was thru ur hearts, ur speeches.. which turned me around..

kazu darling.. im sorry that i didn't know how to treasure u in the past.. i always fa "DA xiao jie pi qi".. now it's time i turned the tide, and be ur "XIAO nu ren".. =) i love u..

heh.. christmas was ultimate since im willing to post some photos.. starting with... the ugliest one first! =x

log cakes can never be missed on x`massy~ =D

all of us~! =D ended up @ kbox. =P
e majority of us went for e same s*x.. so there~

yah, freebies offered by kbox. -.-" (dar n pei. pei n janice)

CHEERS~~~~~ IT'S CHRISTMASS~!!! =pPp yammmmm senggg!!!

not forgetting.. my favourite number 8 guy.. =)
HUANG JIZHONG~~~~ the one who nv fails to call me "ah ma"..
ns.. =( sucks hor? poor him.. he got his head shaved..
nvm la, still handsome. =D

2007-01-02T21:34:00.000-08:00

wah lan eh.. this day, which is today, sucks lah. zzzzz. like what they all say when something gets beneath their skin, "si beh tu lan ah!!!!"

firstly, i had to go to sch early in the morning without sleep.. cuz i got my biological clock screwed. so.. reached home @ around 5:45am after cards and truth/dare.. then tried to get myself to sleep by 6.. struggled and with much reluctance, got up and called her. cuz she seems to be the only one awake at such an unusual hour. =/

so.. got home after playing pool with the duo.. slept on the bus like a pig till carol had to budge me to wake me uo.. no, this is not the worst part of the events.

quenching for thirst, i lazily got my favourite cup from the shelf, and while swinging the cup to get some ice.. *SMASH* dropped on the floor. sian diao lor. my favourite cup lei. nvm....

then when i got myself ANOTHER cup of iced water, the bland liquid somehow slipped out of my mouth. CHAO TURBAN. nvm....

so i went to wash up my ghastly face - eyes with horrid eyeliner which made me look closer to the distinct features of a panda.

THEN!!!!!! i choked on my drink. !@#$$%^^%$#@! yes, i went to have a sip of my ICED WATER AND CHOKED. for like 10-15 seconds. i really damn sian lor.

i have yet to clear the mess made in the kitchen. =( im damn tired.. really very tired..

haiz.. wondering why im sleeping so late these days?

cuz i cnt sleep early without thinking of her. i miss her so god damn much.. i want her by my side, comfort me.. or maybe laugh @ how clumsy i am.. it doesn't matter.. im crying everyday.. not bawling lar, but.. tears simply roll down my cheeks as i live in remorse these days, thinking how cold she can treat me.. she doesn't even give a shit bout me anymore..

she told me.. "if u lose ur voice, i will be with u all the way.." each time im alone walking home, she will make sure i reach home safely by calling me.. now, i walk alone. no one cares whether i reach home anot.. im to fend for myself alrd.

damn emo now.

i need to be left alone.

p.s i just remembered some farkin mosquito bit me on my eyebrow! woah lan eh. what a day lar.

gonna clean up the mess i made, and hump my bed. =( sigh..

2006-12-26T22:53:00.000-08:00

really duno how to start this post.. i don't want to..

there were just too many differences between us...it's hard to let go..

she used to be the one who'd come back, crying, asking me to start things over with her..
this time? it's me..

but..what is done is done, things can never be undone..

6 months and 9 days. i shan't elaborate the whole story.. but i guess she'll be happy from now on.

no one to hound her to look for a job, pester her to get better gifts, won't nag her to stop playing games till so late.. wouldn't put her into a fix each time i showed up unexpectedly thinking that it would make her happy..

every single thing that i do..it seems to have to effect, but backfires on me everytime..

Pei told me.. "If the world can be happy without being with her, why can't you?" it's true, i have never looked at it that way.. becuz of this, i'll change. i'll seek for the better, put away the past.. find a hunk to settle down with.. spend more time with my friends..

it's a brand new start for me, on my own.. im still unsure, but my thinking is still positive.

if u ever read this post.. "You let me go. With cruel words of yours. You keep forgetting that I'm a sensitive person and it's all by nature. Maybe this choice was right. You taught a bird how to fly."

2006-12-23T23:39:00.000-08:00

Event : Xiao An's 19th Bday
Venue : Marina Bay
Purpose : Steamboat
Outcome : +=

Get what I mean? The addition of the alcohol with the people, gives u a drunkard. =.="

Peipei forced Xiaoan to eat 19 Warheads. For those who dunno, it's the type of really SOURRRRRR sweets. It was HORRIBLE.

the expression on his face? it was PRICELESS. =x

loads of mum mum.. and an's friend jeff, was nicknamed CHEF for the night~ he's really sweet cuz he served and cooked for us all night! =D

then the chunk of photos we took~!!! omg. =/

an's campmates, family and girlfriend. =D (they're the couple of the day - an and his girlfriend) uber sweet.. =( i miss my darling all of a sudden. zzzz.

wa lao eh. pei so deesiao. always put her fingers when people are trying to take a really memorable photo with their loved ones. =.=" DEESIAO. aiyoh.

nevertheless..

*note pei pei in the foreground. *tsk*

so it's christmas eve today.. any plans for YOU tonight? =) i've got myself fully booked. harhar.. well.. if u have no plans.. RING ME UP! hahaha. =pPp muacks and hugs~ =)

2006-12-22T11:10:00.000-08:00

oh yah. some guys ought to do a little shaving la. =x

i met pei, an and ahah. guess what i saw on ah's hand?

=/ aiyer. lol.

it affects our (girls) attention when we are @ a game of pool. yikes.

please arh.

2006-12-22T10:59:00.000-08:00

unfair. it's like.. really unfair.

QN : What do you call a girl with piercings?
ANS : An ah-lian loh. what else.

zzz. i've had enough lar.
what must i do to prove that i have piercings becuz i like `em and it's not becuz it makes me look any more "fierce" or "cool". *duh* should i pierce the whole of my face to convince you? =.="

QN : How many piercings do I have?

ANS : 4 on my left ear, 1 on my left tragus, 7 on my right ear, 2 nose piercings and 2 lip piercings.

HAPPY? duh.

parents. they always like to label us (with piercings) as "huai hai zi" or "ah lian". "pai kia" to end with. zzz. bunch of bull shit. ah lians don't speak the way i do. they won't slog their guts out for their studies. they only slack around with cheap looking ah bengs. yes, that's my definition of AH LIAN.

it's like, before u see this imitation bag, u scream and yell, "AHHH!!! GUCCI BAG!!!! OMG~~~ SO CHIO~~" hurmph. for MY case, it happens the opposite. =( the discrimination i face of my everyday life. shucks.

for people who think their parents are afraid they will mix with the wrong company, don't start hanging out with me. i don't want to be the reason/excuse of why you are learning unnecessary stuffs like, smoking and vulgarities. blame it on yourself. get a life, and im dead serious.

no such thing as bad influences in these days. if you want to do it, it's at your own will and risk. don't find a friend who is like 10X worse than you, and blame it on him/her. zzzz.

dun screw me from the back all of a sudden, out of the blue. u can never imagine the intense shock i will get. =.="

2006-12-22T01:01:00.000-08:00

heh heh... been waiting long for a new post? =/

wa lao. recently hor.. i took up cycling lessons.. from my guru PEI PEI~~~ =D den HOR... nnbz. i got myself these.. =(

BRUISES AHHHHHHHHHHHHH~~ *cries*

took me ages to get rid of it lo. it hurts really bad.. a couple of my friends got a shock when they saw it.

i failed my bike practical AGAIN. however, this time, i know where i went wrong le. im gonna brush up and pass on the next lesson.. marc told me he failed 5 times, and that kinda gave me much encouragement. =) thanks.

went to rave.. been wanting to go there for quite some time le. felt bored with the upcoming holidays, so got kelly to come along with me.. =) and so did clement, aka. my sugar daddy. =x jk la.

drinks were cheap. i love the concept of the pub/club/bar. red all over. goodness~ =)

then there were the ones taken @ vivocity 2 days later.. my first time there lehhh.. so suaku. =(

got see any ghost anot. =/ lol. so scary hor.. lol.. kelly the ghost. =(

ok la. so much for the quick update. more to come.

p.s im jobless.practically chionging wmo level everyday.. =(

2006-12-12T23:36:00.000-08:00

im shivering.

practically shaken.

until now.

that freaking hayabusa. =.="

i tell you..i had the hell of a bike ride ytd. 230km/h. yikes.
that numeric figure still scares the fuck out of me.
z z z z z.

and my brand new helmet flew along with the speed, crashed to the ground and BAM! my visor was off. shucks.
it's now in one piece. but. scratches almost everywhere. imagine that was my head. i nearly died.
or should i say, i died once? haiz. life oh life. so precious it is. =(

2006-12-11T22:32:00.000-08:00

=/ im going crazy.. 2 more papers to go lar. z z z z.

so strrrresseed. (i'll accentuate that)
STTTTTTTTRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEDDDDD
brrrrr..

plans for my break? prolly go for a short holiday in msia. do some shopping.
hehe. den it's christmas. booo~~~~
well, i've got myself booked on christmas eve already. tis the season!!

daddy got himself a new ride. =P
a honda jazz.

ignore the size and look @ it in a positive way. it's cute. and it'll look good if i drive it. heh heh heh. =)

HOWEVER.. i don't have a license. and daddy says that i should get one on my own. z z z z z. MARNIE~~~~~~ =( this is the part where he ought to shower monetary love all over me. lol.
the offer he gave --->> any car i liked, he'd buy it. provided. i pay it. thru instalments. and, it's interest-free. bleahz.
but okay lar. for all u know, his heart will get softer @ me becoming a pauper paying instalments. den he'll tell me....

"Darling Joyce, Daddy's heart aches at the sight of u eating wholemeal bread and drinking from the tap all day. So, Daddy will give u one last chance and forget all about the instalments."

=pPp

CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!

turkeys. log cakes. smoked ham. OMG~~~~~~ im gonna start new year with the same old resolution. "lose weight" harharhar.